American Idle predictions.

I can proudly say that I’ve never watched an episode of American Idol (I spelled it the right way in the title) on purpose. It’s been on at the gym when I’ve been there (that should tell you how long it’s been since I watched it at all) but never have I done a blessed thing to put it on my television.

Yet I still feel confident that I can predict the outcome quite accurately based on what I’ve heard people talking about the past few years. With that in mind, I thus prognosticate.

1. The judges will squabble amongst themselves. Insider stories will reveal that at least two of them hate each other and only pretend to be nice on screen. Or that they really are friends and they squabble on camera for publicity purposes.

2. At least one contestant’s sexual orientation will be far more important than any meager talent they have. The appropriate group will root for this “underdog” and the American people will be outed as haters for judging them on their sexual tastes versus their voice. But it will be cool to root for them based on this orientation. (My only hope is that they are so far off the mainstream that they will make even Capraphilia (Google searches don’t show the right result, you may have to add “goats” to figure that one out) enthusiasts blanch.)

3. The final contestants will be worn down by the “arduous journey” they have undertaken. (Let’s send them go to Afghanistan for a 9 month rotation and see how that compares for “arduous.”) Great sympathy will flow from the viewers for their “heroic” efforts to belt out meaningless songs.

4. The voting will be rigged. You can read all about it on Facebook.

5. The wrong one will win. No matter who it is, it will be the wrong one.

6. The ratings will be worse than (name the year) and it spells doom for the show. Nevermind that it takes the time slot and makes a gazillion dollars for the network. It’s proof that the show is in trouble.

7. I will actually care less than I do now when the final results come in. My interest will diminish steadily with every attempt to interest me in the show.

So, there you have it. I’ve stepped out on the limb and predicted the series before it’s even built up a head of steam. Take the time I’m saving you and read a good book.

What else can you predict in your own inimical way? What annoys you in popular culture that you would love to banish? Let me know in the comments. (Hint: this blog is not eligible.)

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