I Wear Women’s Makeup.

Before you ask, I do not press wild flowers. The only suspenders I own are on my suits. Bra? Nope. Why, I’ve never even wanted to be a lumberjack.

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However, I do have some temporary facial scarring from my recent browplasty. Mind you, it’s healing even better than I’d hoped, but I recently had an audition for a television commercial. Yes, they shoot Christmas commercials in July and August. This left me with two very visible scar lines above and to the side of my eyes. In three more months they’ll be invisible, and I won’t need anything to hide them except my bushy eyebrows.

But now, on 4K television, it’s not good if Santa has eyes with scars around them. Which leads me to the very strange experience of having to ask women I know about makeup. (Yes, I know the joke: I was just asking what kind of shampoo women were using. I don’t think they needed to start screaming and calling for the police. It was really loud in that shower room… bah-dum-bump!)

My beloved spousal unit doesn’t use makeup. She’s naturally beautiful and hasn’t indulged in the stuff except on very rare occasions. Like as in maybe 10 times in 34 years. So she wasn’t the perfect victim for the interrogation. A beloved coworker, however, was ideal as she does use makeup and looks good with the stuff.

After examination, she recommended a liquid foundation. For those of you in the audience that never use makeup, I can tell you that it struck fear in my heart. For, based on my limited experience with theatrical makeup, that meant something that would cover the scar completely. What’s wrong with that? It meant that I had to match it to the surrounding skin so it blended in neatly – invisibly.

Thus I found myself in Walgreens at eight at night, sitting on a little chair in the makeup department while my wife and I examined the multitude of products and tones that are available. Minnesotans of a certain sort (me) delude themselves and think that they “have color” by the middle of July. I must tell you that after a couple of attempts to match it with what my brain said was my skin color, I was reduced to the lightest shade they had on the shelf.

That’s me: Vanilla #06. Once I rubbed the drops in, you couldn’t see where it started and I begin. As I said, this is temporary. By October the eyebrow hairs will have grown back, and through, the scarred area. But at this moment it takes a couple of drops per eyebrow to cover the scars.

While we were sitting there, playing with makeup, one of the clerks came over. I thought that was great! She had makeup on, perhaps she had a suggestion.

“Hot date, eh?”

Not much wounds a manly-man such as me more than having a pretty twenty-something suggesting that my using makeup was for, uh, romantic reasons. (Please don’t bother to call me any kind of “phobe” or tell me how good makeup makes men look. If Audie Murphy didn’t wear it around the house, I’m not wearing it either.) I’ll admit, the blue eye-liner with pearl highlights that was on the counter would have really topped things out, but it wasn’t mine. As I tried to explain she walked away with a grin. Darned kids these days.

After wiping off as much of it as I could with a paper tissue, my wife and I retired to the local Dairy Queen. Sometimes a guy just needs a dip-cone.

This is me, post application of the beard whitener/eyebrow whitener, and a generous application of #06 Vanilla. I think it turned out pretty well.

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