The title alone will let you know that I feel a course correction is required on this blog. It seems that I may have done too good a job lately, as the readership has grown substantially, and people have not complained in a while. Today’s blog should remedy that problem.Monday’s almost certainly will do the trick.
I have a theory that we all go through stages of poop. (Don’t run away yet, this will eventually be worth the wait.)
1. We all poop rather randomly for the first few years of our lives.
2. We gain control of the pooping as our brain’s develop, and cease to randomly poop for some given time.
3. Extreme stress can cause you to revert to random pooping for a short time. (See: almost got our submarine rammed by that supertanker when we were at periscope depth. Fargin sonar watch…)
4. Illness can cause random pooping, as can certain medical test preparations.
5. We all poop rather randomly for the last few years of our lives. (Some more than others.)
There are also defined differences in how we poop, and where:
Men: Anywhere is good, including the woods. Under duress, see item 3 above. Cleanliness of the bathroom isn’t all that important, after all it is poop. A quick swab at the toilet seat with a hand full of toilet paper is usually enough.
Women: It’d better be clean. Unless it’s really an emergency. Or in public. Some never use a public restroom. Best be toilet seat liners in that dispenser, or there will be some hovering going on for sure. Woods? Only if a bear is chasing.
I think, if you’re honest, the above is pretty spot on. Let’s not even talk about third-world countries where the bomb-sight method is in use. That’s when you really develop your sense of balance.
Note that above I didn’t mention non-humanoids. Why? Because I was saving it for the rules that Stormy employs when pooping.
1. Only on very warm nights with starry skies will she poop in under 1 minute and return to the door to be let in. Reason: air-conditioning.
2. All spots where you poop must be one full body-length from any other bowel movement. This includes historical bowel movements when you remember that you did defecate in said locale. After some time, the fenced yard may become unusable.
3. All potential spots must be thoroughly sniffed.
4. The sniff may be unreliable, and another spot is automatically checked just to be sure that there is no better alternative.
5. One must be able to orient towards something interesting while squatting.
6. In the event that a noise takes place during “the moment” you must abandon the task, jump in the air, and run around the yard aimlessly barking for a minimum of two minutes.
7. Pooping is best when Dad is waiting in the rain, subzero temperatures, or has to poop himself. Repeat all previous steps with utmost care.
8. Make sure that nobody is ever really sure you are done. Squat, and amble toward the door. Whip around and think about another bombing run since you’ve got the fuel onboard and there may be some colonic debris that needs distribution.
9. Never, ever, poop when the rabbits are in the yard. Any yard. Doesn’t matter.
10. Pretend you don’t know what “Go poop, Stormy” means if you hear it. It is a sign of human weakness and should be used as a reason to run full speed at the house and bark at the shadow you cast from the garage lights.
11. Keep one secret rule from the humans. If they figure out all the other rules, invoke the secret one.
Can you tell it’s been a long week and below zero? Yeah.
See you Monday.
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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.
I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.