Somedays I Suspect I Might Be A Fraud

There is a thing among creative people, and others to be sure, called Imposter Syndrome. Essentially it means that you think your success is a fluke, and you’ve faked your way in over your head. “Fake it ’til you make it” is a thing, and sometimes the hubris is needed to get past the gatekeepers and start doing the work. Waiting for praise/approval isn’t fun, and it can kill the spark in some people right out of the gate.

I am confident that my writing is good enough to stand on it’s own. My books have sold better than blocks of Ice at McMurdo sound… well, that’s not praise, dammit! My book sales have been poor, but the reviews have been excellent. I’m going with the reviews on this one, as I enjoy writing and am genuinely trying to bring out a new book this year. 

But, in the meantime, my bread and butter are in the audio book world.  Right now, I have 30+ books out there on digital audio. Of those books, only 5 are mediocre. They are, strangely enough, the first 4 that I did and one that came along later that I should have run away from, as it was full of French, and I am of the Pepe Le Pew school of French speakers. Yes, it was horrible. The first four I was learning, and being taught, by the mistakes I made. I read too fast and I didn’t pause in the right places (the PDF files and Word files didn’t show the spacing keys that popped up in the published books – I now buy the Kindle version and read from that!)

But with each book I got a bit better. I learned to protect my voice and got to be pretty darned good at editing. Is my work comparable to what you’d get in a professional studio? No. Is it as good as some audio book narrators sound quality? No. The reason is physics and money. I have a good studio room, and have spent a moderate amount of money. If you spend the big bucks to custom fit a studio (or record in a professional one) it sounds a bit different. But not enough to really impact the listener unless they are a compulsive audiophile. I’m okay with that: better is the enemy of good-enough. I turn out good quality stuff that is rated at 4.5 or higher on average. Out of five, that works for me. 

Here’s a sample from a forth-coming book, MORE SUB TALES. The authors are fine with me doing this, as they are using it to promote the work. Take a listen and see what I mean:

Okay, so where is this babble-fest going? I’m in several groups on Facebook that deal with narration. Today’s topic was a video that essentially disparaged some narrators for overacting, especially their voices being used “incorrectly” to create characters outside of their normal range. I rather politely disagreed, and pointed out that sometimes you HAVE to do that, because the author/publisher wants the characters done a certain way. 

Well, the backlash from bigwig narrators was there in short order. Essentially it amounted to: in the big leagues nobody tells us what to do, and your little slice of the pie isn’t representative.

Um, well, maybe. But I have surfed the audition pages a few times, and the majority of the work on ACX (the Audible/Amazon platform used to create audio books) is almost nothing but small publishers, indie authors, and the occasional big house looking for a new flavor. But ninety percent of what’s out there is just authors who want an audio book. The big publishers have stables of talent they use, and they pay very well. But that’s guys and gals doing a full-time narration gig. Me? I’m part time and love being able to take days/weeks at a time off.

I do wonder why some folks have to be important. Yes, some of the people who disagree with me are 8 times more accomplished in terms of titles produced. But I listen to samples and realize they aren’t that much better than I am as an actor, or as a narrator for books like the one sampled above. In a few cases, they’re actually kind of boring. 

Am I a victim of Imposter Syndrome? Nope. I’m pretty confident that the good reviews I get, and the nice monthly check for part-time work, is proof that I am “real” in the world of audio books. Could I work at that level? Yes. I’ve done enough studio voice over that I’m quite confident of my ability to do it if I was willing to give up being a retired guy who drives to Fort Lauderdale (the other side of the state) to buy aquarium decorations and take my wife out to lunch. I’m not giving that up.

So, more books coming in audio (I have about 1 years worth of books lined up right now, more to come) and hopefully a print book of my own before too long. Yes, I know it’s been 8 years since part one of the ASSAULT ON SAINT AGNES series, but some day there might be a sequel.

In the meantime, enjoy this picture of  Richard Simmons. I include him because the author who’s had me narrate 9 books says I sound like him in the combat scenes. But he keeps on hiring me…

 

The Christmas Time Warp.

This past year, for the first time since 2019, I did a full schedule as Santa. Now, during the Covid follies I did virtual stuff for old clients and charities, but I couldn’t bring myself to wear a mask and sit behind plexiglass like the Karen’s were demanding. I decided to just not appear in public. (One exception, I did a television commercial, but only because I was all alone in the frame and didn’t have to wear a mask. Other than that, I wasn’t out in public in the red suit.)

At any rate, I’d forgotten just how fast the Christmas season roars by, and how much fun you don’t have when you are the source of fun for others. Don’t get me wrong, I love being Santa and brightening everyone’s day. But it is a long day, and with very few days off it’s hard to keep track of what day it is, much less make it to the Christmas party. I found myself divorced from the season, an unpleasant feeling I hadn’t had in three years. 

(Scott Takushi / Pioneer Press)

I realized this the other night when I finally got to watch a Christmas special on the internet. I had looked forward to seeing this months ago, but when the workload as Santa exponentially increased from what I’d anticipated it got lost. It’s hard to get that Christmas feeling in the middle of January.

Now, having set the stage, I want to share some other observations about Christmas, and how it differs dramatically between Minnesota and Florida.

First, I made it through the season with just one suit. My suits are washable, so I just remove the fur (velcro) and throw them in the wash every few days. In Minnesota I’d usually run through 2, if not 3 suits in the course of a season due to salt/grime/parkinglot muck ruining the suits and the fur. Florida? As long as I pay a little attention the fur comes through nicely, even after a 50 day season.

Same for boots. I have two pairs of very nice boots to wear. Why? Because road salt forces you to saddle soap and polish your boots every day or two. While one pair dried, I’d wear the other one. Not here. The polish holds up for a week, and all I have to do is buff them a bit to get rid of tiny footprints on the top. 

I don’t have to lug around spare clothes in the event that my car is stuck in a snow bank. Nope, I wear a pair of shorts under my suit, and change wherever I am appearing. I love it. 

Santa photos are way more fun in a warm climate. For example, only the seriously mentally ill wear their pajamas to the mall to take photos with Santa when it’s -15. In Fort Myers, I must have had 500 families/groups come through the line wearing matching pajamas. That trek across the parking lot is much better when it’s 87 degrees. 

People are more polite down here. I truly enjoyed the fact that a picture with Santa was a family outing and people were kind and respectful. Seriously, the “let’s get this over with” attitude that comes from dragging kids with runny noses and a heavy winter coat to see Santa vanishes. For one thing, even the “crabby” ones were rare. Truly rare. So much so that I can only point to a number you could count on one hand. I love that. 

I got to speak more languages this year than ever before. I spoke with people (albeit in limited, stumbling, moronic phrases on occasion) in French, German, Spanish, English, and Arabic. If you remember the moment in Miracle on 34th Street where Santa speaks in Dutch, you will know what I’m talking about. The children expect you to speak their language. Their parents and grandparents drop their jaws when you start to chat with the child in their language. I am so blessed to have that gift. Just writing this, I am choked up, thinking of how God has allowed me to comfort and brighten lives through language. 

Doing “mall Santa” work was a big change. I’d performed in front of 20,000 people at the Metrodome back in the day, and regularly saw hundreds of families in a day at various venues. But those were all “focused” events for a company or a church, or some other unique group. Being Santa for anyone who comes into the store with a staff of 3-6 elves running the cameras and printing pictures is another story. You are on for 3-5 hours without a significant break. I think I took 3 bathroom breaks in two months. 

And, there’s always someone watching from the balcony, the toy racks beyond your line, and the far end of the store. You must never break character, be on full brightness, and wave to all small children. 

The intensity is draining. The rewards are amazing, and the heart-rending stories are painful. I was moved to tears a few times this season by requests from children and adults. You see, even though they might no longer believe in Santa, they still hope. And they share painful things with you in hopes you can magically fix them. I can’t cure Grandma in the hospital, nor can I fix a broken heart from a divorce, but I can pray for them and did so all the time. 

Now, it’s behind me for a bit. I’m working with a friend to start anew in this market as a “private” Santa. This county is fabulously wealthy, and I know the market will be there if we work at it. But have no fear, I’ll still be there for the Salvation Army and any charity that needs me. 

After all, that’s who Santa should be.

 

THE GOSPEL OF LUKE: CHAPTER 24

The Gospel of Luke tells the whole story of the Christ. It is done today, just in time for the big day tomorrow. I hope you have a blessed and wonderous Christmas.

It is also my hope that you will not take me as crass for listing two of my favorite audio books for sale below the Luke video. This is how I make my living, and if you like the way I read Luke, I suspect you’ll like the way I read these two fantastic books. The first is fiction by a best-selling author who stepped away for 10 years. He must have been perfecting his craft for this book is excellent. The second book is an auto-biography of a young submarine officer in the late sixties. I identified with this one as well, for I spent more than a minute of my life on the 637 class submarines doing my job as a spook. 

Now, for the Gospel of Luke (and a Merry Christmas to you all): 

 

THE GOSPEL OF LUKE: CHAPTER 23

The Gospel of Luke tells the whole story of the Christ. It is done in 24 chapters. Consequently, every day in December I will be posting a new chapter of Luke until we get to Christmas. It is my hope that you share this with your friends, church, family and social media. 

It is also my hope that you will not take me as crass for listing  two of my best selling audio books for sale below the Luke video. This is how I make my living, and if you like the way I read Luke, I suspect you’ll like the way I read these two fantastic books. The first is fiction by a best-selling author who stepped away for 10 years. He must have been perfecting his craft for this book is excellent. The second book is an auto-biography of a young submarine officer in the late sixties. I identified with this one as well, for I spent more than a minute of my life on the 637 class submarines doing my job as a spook. 

Now, for the Gospel of Luke: 

 

THE GOSPEL OF LUKE: CHAPTER 22

The Gospel of Luke tells the whole story of the Christ. It is done in 24 chapters. Consequently, every day in December I will be posting a new chapter of Luke until we get to Christmas. It is my hope that you share this with your friends, church, family and social media. 

It is also my hope that you will not take me as crass for listing two off my best selling audio books for sale below the Luke video. This is how I make my living, and if you like the way I read Luke, I suspect you’ll like the way I read these two fantastic books. The first is fiction by a best-selling author who stepped away for 10 years. He must have been perfecting his craft for this book is excellent. The second book is an auto-biography of a young submarine officer in the late sixties. I identified with this one as well, for I spent more than a minute of my life on the 637 class submarines doing my job as a spook. 

Now, for the Gospel of Luke: