The Perfect Christian Movie: Part I

My wife and I try to watch only inspirational stuff on Sunday. A couple of internet church services (it helps to have a bunch of pastor friends) and then we dive in to the movie/television world on the internet.

Part of the problem is that the online providers don’t have a big selection of stuff to watch. Amazon, it seems, purposely gives you anything but Christian content when you search for it. There is, however, a wide variety of well tagged Japanese Anime Porn. 

I have thus decided to write and produce my own Christian movie. I have watched too many bad ones to make the same mistakes. Some are easy to miss out on, some are a little tougher.

My movie will be set in Detroit. Nobody sets a Christian movie in Detroit. Probably because it’s not a movie kind of town unless it’s an action thriller. Nobody sets a romance there either.

The story is about a family of six: Mom, Dad, two teenage boys, a tweener girl, and the grandfather who is too arthritic to be on his own, but still mentally sharp – as sharp as he ever was, for he was a bit of a dullard at his peak. In other words, like the rest of us.

Dad and mom both work at good jobs where they are upper end of the blue-collar world. Neither one completed college, but both went for three years before they fell in love and wanted to start a family. Not out of wedlock, but they quit school and went full-time at their part-time jobs so they could have nice things and a couple of kids. It’s worked great so far.

Grampa moved in last year, and since they had a big house (real estate is cheap in Detroit) they had plenty of room for him on the ground floor with his own bathroom. Mom and dad gave up that room and moved upstairs to a room almost as large, and it has been a blessing for Grampa. He’s thrilled to be there and helps the kids with school. They ask for help even when they don’t need it because they love him and want him to feel good. 

None of the kids plays sports, they all just go to school. No drug usage: one of the boys lost a friend to a fentanyl overdose just as they hit “that age” and it scared the hell out of them. They do engage in the usual teenage nonsense, but both the boys know that Detroit can be rough, so they take it pretty easy when out and about.

The tweener girl is like every other kid that age and she loves her dog, a rescue who’s owner died, more than life itself. She’s into 70’s disco, but that’s as strange as she gets. Good kid. 

Every evening, mom and dad have a couple of large vodka’s while they talk about their day. Nobody really gets drunk, and no hangovers ever. They both are faithful and have never cheated. 

Sundays they go to church and then have dinner at a restaurant. They believe in God, love their faith, but they don’t belong to the choir, Opus Dei, or even help sell donuts on Donut Sunday. But they love their pastor and the church and would feel bad if they couldn’t go any longer. 

The story focuses on a three month period of their lives where nothing happens at all. Boring as can be. No spiritual stress, no sexual assault, no robberies, not even a traffic accident – but someone did park too close and bash the passenger mirror off the car mom drives. But they left a note and paid cash for the repair.

Grampa is healthy as a horse.

Nobody is weird. 

The dog is well behaved and rather lazy.

The end. 

The next blog will be the good one: I will try to combine all the tropes used in Christian film into a single movie. It will be awesome.

Joseph Courtemanche

About Joseph Courtemanche

I'm a conservative Christian author who's been happily married for over 30 years. I am a Veteran of the United States Navy, Naval Security Group. I speak a few languages, I have an absurd sense of humor and I'm proud to be an American.

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