Any Minute Now It Will Be Spring.

Winter is possibly over. I’m not rushing into anything yet, but it is with great anticipation that I planted some seeds in a warming tray and started the cuttings from my sweet potatoes along in their jars.

Hope for a garden – someday.

What, you might ask, has prompted this burst of insane optimism? I shall detail below the pitch to buy my book.

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1. We have but a few hundred pounds of ice left in my yard. Even though it’s been almost 70 degrees this week, there is still a band of ice about five inches thick, a foot wide, and twenty feet long that lingers in the shade of my fence. This is, quite possibly, the most nutrient rich ice on the planet, as Stormy has been conditioned to poop only on snow by this horrendous winter. She chases, with growing frustration, the ever shrinking areas where her sense of decorum tells here she can void her bowels. Soon she will have to use the grass again. This is usually a time of great trepidation, if the last several dogs are any indicator. She didn’t develop this quirk until this winter, but it’s been a very long time since grass was available on a regular basis.

2. I didn’t wear a winter coat on Tuesday and I didn’t die.

3. The sidewalks, and intersections, are finally ice free (mostly) and I was able to walk to work that same day I shed the winter coat. I have amassed 17 pounds since I last walked to work. Fortunately, it is only in my chest, not around my waist. I have magnificent moobs, a full cup size larger than the last time I was allowed to go shirtless. The authorities have requested that I remain fully clothed until I’m only 10 pounds above my previous level. On the bright side, this is still 40 pounds lighter than when I started the diet/exercise regime two years ago.

4. Sunshine is hot enough to cause normal humans to sweat once again. In Minnesota, there are long periods where the sun is without any warmth at all, and you can freeze to death in direct sunlight. The sun is now several degrees further north than it was all winter, and our temperature today was a full 80 degrees warmer than the coldest night this past winter.

5. I was blinded four times this week by fish-white legs. Minnesota has the most beautiful women in Minnesota, but God knows that we all benefit from tights, leggings, and jeans during the long winter months. The FAA has issued cautions to aviators about looking down on urban areas during the first few days of Spring, as the glare from flesh that has not seen any sun in months is much like staring into a halogen lamp.

6. Stormy has been rolling in her favorite patch of yard again. As with most of my life, it begins and ends with a happy dog.

That’s not a bad thing.

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Joseph Courtemanche

About Joseph Courtemanche

I'm a conservative Christian author who's been happily married for over 30 years. I am a Veteran of the United States Navy, Naval Security Group. I speak a few languages, I have an absurd sense of humor and I'm proud to be an American.
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