Table For 127? In The 1%’s Section? No Problem, Sir. Flash Fiction Returns.

Let’s start with shameless self promotion: click this link and vote for my short story before going any further. While you’re there, a vote for my friend Tamara would be nice as well. We aren’t in competition (I’m fiction/she’s non) and she’s a gifted author. Your voting for us both is a blessing and we appreciate it in advance.

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DATELINE: WACO

“You’ll have to speak up, Sir. I can’t hear you above the wind. Perhaps you could step inside somewhere? Oh, that’s much better. A reservation for a large group? Certainly. How many and when. Uh… well… certainly, sir.”

David hung up the phone a few moments later and slammed his head on the host podium. Drenched in sweat that could have come from the chicken fryer, he paged the manager.

“Yeah, Dave. What’s up?”

Tearing at his hair as though fire ants had taken up residence, David’s response was posted like the clacking of a manual typewriter’s keys: “There are 127 members of the Doorknobs coming for lunch. They want their own section and they should be here in about fifteen minutes. The leader said, “If there aren’t seats for everyone, and a glass with ice at every place when we arrive, we’ll just serve ourselves.”

Enrique had been the manager at Shirlene’s Steak House for three years. This had happened once before when he was a bus-boy. It took two weeks to put the place back together the last time. Without another moment passing, he reached behind the podium and pulled the fire alarm. Grabbing the staff before they could exit, he thanked the guests and apologized for the emergency. Locking the front doors, he gave orders to the staff to set every table with iced glasses and wait for the onslaught. Dialing the fire department, he explained that they’d had a false alarm and there was no need to send trucks.

Silencing the alarm, Enrique called the owner. They agreed it would be cheaper to feed the invading horde of outlaw bikers than to have the joint ruined again. Both agreed that staff safety was number one in their concerns.

Moments later the parking lot shook with the rumble of barely muffled engines. Wave after wave of bikers streamed into the lot, parking in a seemingly random fashion. Prospect members were left to guard the machines as the members clogged the doorway. No women in site, this was a combat run. Trouble would follow.

The leader, easily spotted by his extra grungy demeanor and plethora of patches, moved through the pack, delivering head slaps and kidney punches on his way to the front. “We have a reservation. We’re sitting down.” Without further ado, the regurgitated mass covered chairs with posteriors.

Servers took orders as quickly as they could. Tequila and Jack Daniels were top of the list, steak and chicken at the bottom. In the back, the cooks worked to produce orders as quickly as the bartender out front. That poor individual gave up even trying to keep track and just lined up every shot glass in the place in two rows: left for tequila, right for Jack Daniels.

Wondering why the servers had all vanished, Enrique signaled David to go check. When he failed to emerge, Enrique kept filling water glasses while he sent the bartender to check.

Three more minutes passed before Enrique felt his cell phone vibrate. Looking at the text message, he made his way toward the kitchen.

Opening the door he was yanked through and pushed along toward the back of the room by a series of rough hands. His kitchen was filled with SWAT team members. The last man in the line said, “Just wait out back. You’ll be safe. All your people are out there already.

As he headed into the mall adjoining the restaurant, Enrique heard the first flash-bang grenade detonate. They definitely wouldn’t be open for Sunday brunch tomorrow.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.

This And That. Video, Free Book, Alleged Wisdom.

Let’s start with shameless self promotion: click this link and vote for my short story before going any further. While you’re there, a vote for my friend Tamara would be nice as well. We aren’t in competition (I’m fiction/she’s non) and she’s a gifted author. Your voting for us both is a blessing and we appreciate it in advance.

Please follow me on Twitter, and “Like” the Facebook author page. Don’t forget to subscribe (the box is on the right side of the page) to be eligible for free e-books and other benefits!

It’s been quite a while since did any “Joe The Author/Actor” stuff on the blog. Today’s the day. But I promise to finish strong with a spiritual note.

First on the list, the free book you’ve all been waiting for – Spiritual Citizens: A Christian Fiction Anthology. Just click that link for a free electronic copy.

Published at last.

Published at last.

This book contains a short story I did for a flash fiction contest hosted by my friend Charles Short at Christian Flash Weekly.

The first link was to the free pdf. It is meant to be used as a witnessing tool. If you’d like to buy a copy (I am doing it tonight) you can click on this link. I hope you enjoy it.

Second item: Me in my beloved biker persona. Here I’m pitching Simply Potatoes. It’s a nice spot.

I’ve also managed to come in to the semi-final round with two different novels at the American Christian Fiction Writers Genesis contest. That’s kind of a big deal, as I have them in two very different categories. Not often you can pull that off. God’s been working on my writing. It’s paying off. Final round announcement will be made in about two weeks.

Last but not least, I was honored to be the emcee for the Catholic Cemeteries Memorial Day service. I got to talk about my friends, my comrades, and this nation I love. After 10 years I’m very comfortable at the podium. I would like to thank all of the people who attended on a cloudy day. Your remembering my friends means the world to me. God bless you all.

Big crowd, big hearts. Thank you all for coming.

Big crowd, big hearts. Thank you all for coming.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.

That Chair Is Taken.

“I always enjoy being out here in the sunlight. Not that I really want to spend that much time here, but it is kind of interesting to see who shows up today.”

“I love the women. My wife quit coming after she got remarried, but I don’t blame her at all. Our kids needed a dad. Besides, I can gawk without guilt if she’s not here.”

“It always comes down to chicks with you guys. Fair enough. The beefcake is nice for me.”

Silence fell over the group taking up the last row of chairs to the East side of the tent. The crowd was starting to find its way across the vast ocean of grass and granite, many wearing poppy pins and parts of uniforms.

A program fluttered across the lawn, blown by a light breeze. Hernandez picked it up and scanned the page before passing it along the row. “Same guy as last year. His heart is in the right place. I know those guys he talks about from the reception area. Both good dudes. He gets all choked up each year like they just died. Wish I could tell him they were unconscious when the plane went to the bottom. Didn’t feel a thing. Guess that’ll have to wait until he joins us up there.”

“I was with his cousin in Vietnam. Crazy guy, kind of a poet. Most of those linguists were a little loopy. But he was a good Marine. This guy even looks a little like him. Way heavier, but Cal never got very old. I suppose he would have gotten fat himself.”

A six year old stared down the row, clearly seeing all of them seated there. Janice put a finger to her lips to indicate it was a secret. The little girl just waved and guided her grandmother to another set of seats under the shaded tent.

“Always amazes me when one of them sees us. Makes me tingle a bit. I’m so used to people forgetting we were ever here. If it wasn’t for my birthday and my brother, this would be the only day of the year anyone says my name out loud. I sure miss that jerk. He misses me as well. I’m glad he broke that arm when we were kids, or he’d probably be sitting here with us right now. He always did have guts.”

Silence settled over the row as a few others joined them, taking seats in the bright morning. The wind had died down now and the tent was almost full. It was time.

Mass started at 10:00. The superintendent of the cemetery was punctual. Things moved right along and the religious service was over in just under an hour and ten minutes. The big crowd this morning slowed things down at communion time, but the back row inhabitants kept their seats throughout. Not quite enough people to fill it all the way back to where they were congregated.

An honor guard moved up near the altar under the tent, and a ceremonial grave was laid out in front of the speaker’s podium. The speaker was indeed the man who’d presided for the last decade. He was rounder, grayer, and walked more slowly than he had when he first took the job on for his American Legion Post. He was a bit sadder as well: too many of his friends were now buried in the cemetery beyond the tent boundaries. Friends and comrades who’d spent their youth with him had left him behind for the first time in his life – it was a bit daunting. They’d never been apart for this long before.

After a short speech about the meaning of sacrifice and courage, the sounds of rifle volleys and bugles rang out over the reflecting pond nearby. Crisp salutes were delivered by arthritic hands in honor of those who would never have a chance to grow old. Cookies and coffee were served as people dispersed.

Hernandez stood up and stared toward the reflecting pond. The others looked as well: the speaker was standing alone and staring toward Heaven. “He’s talking to his friends. He never got to say goodbye or go to their funeral. Feels bad about it still. Let’s go over and comfort him.”

The silent troop from the land beyond marched in formation to the edge of the pond and stood in ranks with their brother for a moment before they departed, one-by-one, for the sky above. Left alone, he wiped a tear from his eye and headed home.

He’d be with them one day. But while he was here, he’d remember them until his time came as well.

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Let’s finish with shameless self promotion: if you’ve enjoyed this blog, please take a minute and help me out in a writing contest I’m entered in right now. Your vote will help me get to the final round, and it will be very much appreciated. Click this link and vote for my short story before going any further. While you’re there, a vote for my friend Tamara would be nice as well. We aren’t in competition (I’m fiction/she’s non) and she’s a gifted author. Your voting for us both is a blessing and we appreciate it in advance.

Amish Zombies From Space: A Review.

Let’s start with shameless self promotion: click this link and vote for my short story before going any further. While you’re there, a vote for my friend Tamara would be nice as well. We aren’t in competition (I’m fiction/she’s non) and she’s a gifted author. Your voting for us both is a blessing and we appreciate it in advance.

Amish Zombies from Space is just another book about the Amish. Well, at least the Amish in space. Perchance, more specifically, a group we’ve seen battling vampires in the past. Yeah, it’s kind of a niche thing, but it’s so well done that if you have any interest at all in speculative fiction you should take the time to read it now.

Please follow me on Twitter, and “Like” the Facebook author page. Don’t forget to subscribe (the box is on the right side of the page) to be eligible for free e-books and other benefits!

Amish Zombies From Space

Amish Zombies From Space

I know Kerry Nietz from a writers group I belong to, and have corresponded with him in the past. I was also lucky enough to beta read this book. He has said he’s blaming me if it fails, because I off-handedly made some smart comment like, “Anyone can do Amish Vampires. It takes a real writer to do Zombies.” Or something like that – I think he’s just scapegoating me. Not that he has to worry, the book is good. Very good.

It would be easy to throw a book like this out in the world and just make it a campy goof. Kerry doesn’t do that. He presents a thoughtful approach to technology, changing religious values, and how characters try to reconcile their faith with a changing world. He strikes a delicate balance between fascinating and offending the reader with his portrayal of the Amish. There’s enough there to bring tension, but not enough to stereotype the order and defile its members.

A thoroughly pleasant read, it will captivate even hard-core science fiction readers. Since it’s a book that follows the Christian faith, it shouldn’t offend anyone with sex or language. In other words, it’s a great read for all from about age 12 on up.

Below is my Amazon.com review. I hope you get a chance to buy the book today and enjoy it as much as I did.

Full disclosure: I received an advance copy of this work for review purposes. There was no monetary incentive. Zombies. Lots of zombies. But no money.

Kerry is at full speed in this book, the sequel to the widely discussed Amish Vampires In Space. Any book that Jimmy Fallon lampoons should tweak your interest. The sequel? It had best grab you by the throat and shake you, as it’s facing the world with one half-hitch in its stride already.

I am pleased to report that it’s a great book. Not only does Mr. Nietz manage to do justice to the Amish, but also he hits the horror of zombies full in the face, making your skin crawl with anticipation (and, for that matter, fear of contagion.)

Well written, great plot twists, clever use of technology, it’s actually a story of how an conservative religious culture is forced to deal with major shocks to their view of the universe. Faith and technology don’t have to be at war, only our interpretation of how they should interact.

Kerry has managed to bring the best of the Amish, science fiction, and faith elements into this work. It’s entertaining and enjoyable at many levels.

Definite five stars for this book. Now, go raise a barn, Kerry.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.

Please Click The Link And Vote For Me. It Does Matter.

This is one of those rare moments on the blog where I ask that you take an affirmative action on my behalf. Well, other than the incessant whining to like the Facebook page and subscribe. I guess the occasional request to buy a book I review doesn’t count either.

Dagnabbit, this is different. I entered a contest. I need you to CLICK ON THIS LINK and vote for me. It’s easy: IT TAKES YOU RIGHT TO MY PAGE IN THE CONTEST WHERE YOU CLICK ON THE SYMBOL THAT YOU LIKE THE STORY. After you’ve clicked for me, go ahead and read it – it may even be good. I’m kind of pleased with it. It’s called A Walk In The Park. Part of the Faith 900 writing contest.

Tell your friends and family about this link. Share it on Facebook. Tweet it. ETC. I need the votes. It will move me along in this career thing I’m trying to launch.

That’s it. Just CLICK THIS LINK AND VOTE FOR ME.

I appreciate it. You don’t even have to buy anything.

Joe