Richard Simmons Doesn’t Live Here Anymore.

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I have no idea what that title means. But I really liked it a few months ago when I was writing down blog ideas. I wish I’d put in a few sentences on what I was thinking about.

Only slightly demented, still not Richard Simmons

Only slightly demented, still not Richard Simmons

I would have used a picture of Richard Simmons, but celebrities rather zealously guard their image. I need a lawsuit like Stormy needs five more pounds.

I suspect that it referred to my proclivity to hang stuff on the exercise bike. My canning towels spent the summer there. Great spot on the recumbent bike to set cases of jars as well. Not such a great place to park my backside and pedal.

Until recently. I decided that since I’d survived surgery in the last few months it was time to get into better shape. I have been down in the basement riding that thing on a regular basis. I now remember what it is like to sweat when it’s cold out.

My basement is unheated. I do have a big screen television, a nice set of stereo headphones, and a dvr/cable device that allows me to store episodes of Jail until I’m ready to watch them. 32 of the little critters at last count. A nice supply of movies and documentaries on the shelf next to the dvr. I love documentaries. Come to think of it, I kind of like riding the bike.

Stormy has been going down with me when I work out. Not that she’s pumping iron, but if she’s in the basement at 5:30 in the morning, she’s not barking upstairs and waking normal people who sleep. That would be my wife.

In the basement she settles down on the rug by the shelves and turns her back to me. She doesn’t like the stairs. Nor does she like my taste in television. Tough hop, doggie girl.

This does not mean that I don’t sabotage myself with what I eat, nor will I proclaim myself fit. But I have noticed that my heartbeat is much more steady, my pulse and blood pressure lower, and my attitude better since I started this endeavor a while ago.

I’m even seriously contemplating going back to the gym to lift weights again in another two months. I need to get the cardio down before I go for strength. I still have a membership, and a new pair of lifting gloves I purchased about 6 years ago and never wore. It’s time.

Richard Simmons doesn’t live here anymore. But the me I used to be seems to have moved on as well.

It’s Really That Simple.

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For many years I’ve been involved with Toys For Tots. I got my start as Santa when the man doing the job wasn’t up to it any longer. I was fully qualified: I was fat and had a beard. The Gunnery Sgt. agreed that I met the requirements. The rest is history. God has richly blessed me in this pursuit because I try never to turn down a child in need as Santa. I may not provide the gifts, but I make a lot of stops where there is nothing but love as a payment.

If you’re of a mind, keep this great organization on your list for donations next year. Volunteer. Give. Thank them. A lot of good people involved.

Santa says, “Semper Fi.”

That is all. Now, dry your eyes and turn to as we used to say.

Is That A Shank?

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I am a writer. I have a brain disease: overblown imagination. I have a relatively healthy outlet, scribbling my novels. But I’m wondering if my combination of imagination and a steady diet of Lockup, Hard Time, and Behind Bars: Rookie Year have damaged me beyond repair.

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Lest I leave you in suspense for too long, have you ever given much thought to “gassing” anyone? Do you look at open buffets and wonder if anyone put ground glass in the pot roast? Do you see burn marks around electrical outlets and wonder what they were smoking and how it got smuggled in?

Do you see small electronic devices with motors and think, “Gee, I could make a really great tattoo gun with that….” Perhaps you’ve seen a toilet almost overflow and wondered if the guy on the tier below you will be upset? I’ll bet you’ve never smuggled drugs or weapons inside your body. Well, most of you, anyway.

These things occupy my mind from time to time. I try and work out solutions to the problems, incorporate them into the data base that is my brain for future use when a character gets locked up down the road (happened in one book already – may happen again.) But it is kind of a problem when you have to do a systems check and answer the question, “Am I nuts?”

Here’s a real life example. I was in the stairwell at work the other day and spotted a sliver of metal on the floor. We have construction going on in the building. A stray piece of sheet metal, no doubt a snip from the edge of a duct, is not unusual.

I immediately thought, “Is that a shank?” Sick, right? Then I wondered where it came from so the next guy couldn’t make a weapon from the same source. I decided it was too small to turn into a stabbing instrument, so I would melt it into a toothbrush handle and slash with it.

But where to hide it until I could get a toothbrush? There were gaps in the brick wall where the tuck-pointing has failed. I tried a few of them, it wouldn’t fit. I scoped out the molding around the windows and the floor, but no gaps big enough. What to do?

I came to my senses and put it in the trash. No Corrections Officers hassled me, nobody saw it. I don’t need the weapon.

It is, however, nice to know that I might be able to find one if I really need one. Let’s just hope they never lock the doors and tell us we can’t leave. Then all bets are off.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.

I Love My Theatrical Agents

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I think it’s safe to say you hear members of the literary, acting, singing, and general performing communities complain about their agents on occasion. Frequently it’s done so that you can know that they have an agent and are obviously far more important than you are. Not that I’ve ever done that…

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But in writing this today I’m thankful for my agents. Several weeks ago I asked God to help me out financing a mission work. He, working through my agents, dropped more opportunities on me in the past weeks than I’d imagined possible.

Best part of it all is that they all treat me well. It makes sense: I get jobs, they get money.

I was sitting in the lobby of a casting agent waiting for an audition when a theatrical agent called me about a job we’d discussed. I told her where I was, and what I was auditioning for in ten minutes. “Yeah, we wanted to send you but they (another agency) got there first. You’d be good in that role. Let me call the customer and try to lock this down.”

Ten minutes, three phone calls, confirmed booking for two full days of work. For those of you that aren’t actors, that’s like striking oil in your back yard. Nice paycheck, two days of work in one location, one wardrobe, etc. They put me up in hotels for a couple of days, and we shoot overnight in a store when it’s closed. Very nice. Blessed. Paid for the mission project in one booking.

Back to the audition – after my usual bout of serious overacting, the director got me settled down and got a good take. Either that or she was sick of me and said it was good enough. She’s a kind soul who makes every actor feel valued, so I’ll never know. But she was willing to take a risk on my availability and let me audition. You see, the job I booked in her lobby conflicted with the one I was auditioning for that day.

Here’s how that works: If I’m the only one they want, they’ll shoot around me. If someone else meets their needs, they won’t use me. But to be given the chance, and take me into audition when it might not happen, is a blessing of kindness. I really appreciate that, Lynn. You know who you are and you’re always fun to perform for in my own bumbling way.

The agent that sent me? Totally cool with the fact that I may not get the job due to another booking. Yes, it’s money out of her pocket if it happens. But when you only book 5% of what you audition for (I’m an acquired taste, trust me) you roll the dice every time you send me out with my head shot and resume. Most agents are actors and models themselves, and they understand that if you get a job offer you grab it fast. Nothing is a “gimme” in this business, and they are rooting for their people even if they aren’t going to make a buck on it.

That’s why I’m blessed. There were two other agents working on finding me work at the same time the first two were getting me in the door. All four treat me well. I’m always amazed that they keep coming back to me.

I know that they don’t have to do that kindness. But I sure appreciate the love and concern they show me in keeping me on the list of active people.

Today, and tomorrow, I will be thankful for those good people who are looking out for my acting life.

Many thanks go up for all of them.

Oh, the mission project? We’re making Christmas gift packages for the homeless. Yeah, baby – it’s what He wants. And that’s what it’s all about.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.

Santa Has Some Fun

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This time of year I have an event every few days. Sometimes there are 4 or 5 in a day. That’s a lot of time in front of the camera, and a good photographer makes that time pass quickly. You learn all about each other in those hours waiting for the next child to appear in the doorway.

Please follow me on Twitter, and “Like” the Facebook author page. Don’t forget to subscribe (the box is on the right side of the page) to be eligible for free e-books and other benefits!

This past weekend I was blessed to have Stephanie of Clix as my photographer. She took several shots during the day without children, but the last one of the day was the one I really wanted. Clix graciously gave me permission to use this copyrighted image in my media. I appreciate it, and needed to let you know that they didn’t charge me for the picture. Something about integrity and all of that… Yes, this is a bald-faced endorsement of them and their services. Call them at 763-657-0239 or visit their website to set up your photo session.

The point is, I have worked with them for several years at different Santa shoots, and they have been fun and professional every time. If you need family pictures, sports team pictures, and children’s portraits done in the northwest metro area of the Twin Cities, you should give them a ring. I now present you with the picture in question:

Too many episodes of Seinfeld.

Too many episodes of Seinfeld.

If you were wondering about the inspiration, here’s the link:

Yeah, George and I have more than a little in common.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.