Welcome, Andreas. You’re Over There Next To Gameel Al-Batouti And Mohamed Atta. Flash Fiction Tuesday.

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Andreas blinked and then twitched as the white-hot nails were driven into his skull. Shrieking in agony he said, “Wait, I just committed suicide. I don’t belong here!”

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The team of demons kept hammering nails into his skull and privates, taking a moment to laugh at him. The lead demon, who had a clipboard and was calling for the razor team, gave a leer. “You idiot. Suicide’s don’t always wind up here, most are forgiven and given a place in that boring Romper Room up above. But special guys like you – well, we have a room just for you!”

Andreas moaned as the razor team started to work on the back of his legs. Every slice of the razor was followed with a spritz of lemon juice mixed with alcohol. Not enough to overload the nerves, but enough to make them jangle and bounce as though they might explode from his skin. Another demon had a test kit with him and was touching two of the nails protruding from his skin to pass a current. The skin around the nails sizzled a little and then healed. Both processes were exquisitely agonizing.

“But I was a suicide. Why would I wind up here?”

The demon in charge ignored him and motioned the hammer team in. They proceeded to break all of the small bones in Andreas’ body. They were very good, obviously having studied anatomy at some medical school. Abortionists who’s practices had required a medical license on Earth had a new home with new responsibilities in Hell. Seemed like a good fit given their outstanding performance.

Once the hammering was complete he responded, “If you commit suicide, you get a pass. It’s usually the the result of depression or some insanity that causes you to lose touch with God. But you, my little pigeon, you chose to fly an airliner full of people into the Alps. You didn’t commit suicide, you murdered over 150 people. Same thing with that idiot Atta and his buddy Al-Batouti over in the corner.”

Andreas looked in the direction the demon had pointed. There was a pillar of flame burning slowly. Looking more closely, he recognized the 911 hijacker and the co-pilot of the Egypt Air flight. They burned but were not consumed. This was not looking good.

“We also have some special idiots in there that you will get to know over the next few millennia. We have a woman who tried to kill herself with natural gas fumes. She did a nice job. But the pipe she opened up filled the apartment building she lived in at five in the morning, and blew it to bits. Forty dead and another 200 burned. She’s got the chains next to Larry. He worked in a munitions plant in Texas and blew himself up on purpose. Took over thirty of his coworkers with him. He gets to repeat that moment thirty times a day. Oopsie.”

Andreas saw the future: there was none. But there was an eternity of torment stretching out ahead of him.

“We’ll start you off where you might find some friends. Well, fellow Germans anyway. We have a whole wing where the new people go through indoctrination. You’ve been assigned to Hitler, Himmler, and Goebbels unit for indoctrination. After a few months of that we’ll see where you go.”

“But, I’m not a NAZI! I don’t believe in that stuff.”

The demon pointed to a bunker door in the far wall. “Doesn’t matter what you believe in, Andreas; your deeds determine your company down here.”

Andreas saw Martin Bormann motioning to him. Trotting over was out of the question with all the broken toes but he went as quickly as he could.

“Wilkommen, Andreas. First item, we delouse you and give you a shower. Step right in here…”

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.

Love Is Unflinching When It’s Pure. If You Don’t Flinch, Sometimes You Get Slugged In The Guts.

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Today was a day of sadness for a great number of people I know. The title of today’s blog makes perfect sense in the context of what they’re going through.

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I think the old saying “Love hurts” is more true than ever when you get past your hormonal overload years. Most of us, if we’re honest, will confess that a great deal of the passion we felt in our love in our teens/twenties was due to biological storms taking place in our loins. That doesn’t mean that you were wrong, it’s just that that pretty face or six-pack abs was a bit more important in the beginning than their knowledge of Semitic history, or their ability to make great and beautiful things with knitting needles.

Now, in the second half-century of my life, I see the amazing love that older people have for each other in a different light. I also see the pain and anguish that goes with that love that matures in your thirties and beyond.

Today, and every day, I would like it if you’d pray for people who are on the edge of losing a loved one. Sometimes it’s a beloved dog that a lonely person has had for a decade. Sometimes it’s a cat that has been with them since it was a kitten. And sometimes it’s a human to whom they were paired and are now about to lose. All of those are harder when you get older.

It is often said that Facebook makes us cruel and venal. Today, and quite a bit recently, I saw just the opposite happen. I had a dear friend let her sphere know that the love of her life, her husband, would not be leaving the hospital after a long illness. He’d been fighting hard, she’d been fighting hard, but the battle is being lost and he’s now being given palliative care. I can’t reach out and touch her hand, but I can pray. A lot of others who read her post chimed in as well. The best in us comes out when another’s in need.

Another friend, much younger than me, has a brother-in-law who’s in an induced coma now while they treat the flesh-eating bacteria that is trying to take his life. It’s under control. But it’s the second person whom I’ve been aware of with this condition in the past three years. Satan is pretty busy trying to bump off good people with this one.

A third friend was bitten by the dog she adopted. No biggie, right? Wrong. There is an infection raging in her body and she’s been hospitalized to treat it with massive doses of antibiotics. For her act of kindness, adopting a dog, she’s at risk of serious damage to her body.

Pray also for my friend who is in chronic pain and undergoing a procedure this Friday for a chance to end that pain. If it doesn’t work, I know they’ll be devastated. The pain is crippling, and depressing. Mind and body go together, and this good soul is very low.

Finally, pray for another brave person I know who is dealing with a sexual assault many years after the fact. Struggling to be free of the shame, guilt, and depression that ride along with that soul-stealing act of an evil man.

All of these people have loved ones who suffer along with them. Pray for them also. It’s harder in some cases to be the caregiver than the one cared for in these situations. Each of them will be touched by your prayer.

Remember the lonely who have no other to comfort them and pray for them. Reach out and do a kind deed for an older person who is alone.

Thank you for listening to me today. It’s been a tough day.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.

Some Of You Have Wondered – How Do You Keep The Blog’s Qualitee So High?

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For starters, many of my readers are in hospice and don’t care about spelling. So that helps a lot. But there are other secrets I need to share with you, and I will do so below the fold. (So to speak.)

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First secret: people love music videos. I know, it’s crazy. But it’s true. You will draw more hits with those things than you’d ever imagine. You can even Rick Roll your audience and they’ll laugh. Just don’t do it too often.

Dogs, and dog stories, are gold as well. Stormy is more than my beloved dog: she’s click bait. I could write the most amazing story/profound thought and it wouldn’t get half the comments and praise that that pokey nose gets. People love dogs.

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Controversial stuff. Last Friday I posted a piece about AGITPROP in Austin, Texas. You’d think the national media would have swarmed on this exceptionally well written piece by an obscure blogger. Eh, not so much. But it did show up in Google rankings and will eventually draw traffic. I’m cool with that waiting thing. See any piece on my author career: waiting is the key.

Nice stuff. Step outside yourself and write about a charity. Talk about your mission trip to Haiti with Healing Haiti. Start something with #commotiongrant programs. You can find something bigger than your own ego to lift the blog if you try.

Food. Doesn’t matter if you write about the pork ribs you did in the oven or the restaurant you ate lunch at last Thursday. It helps if you add pictures.

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Girls. Well, my wife objects if I date around, so that’s out. But it seems to help when I put pictures of my friends who’ve written books on the blog. Seriously, book reviews are great for drawing traffic, but if the author sends a great picture it helps. My mug draws no traffic. Amy, Varina, Brandy, Nicole – well you get the idea. Every one of them brought their friends to the blog. It’s a strategy high school kids have utilized for decades: get your sister to bring her friends over when you’re around. It classes up the joint.

Consistency. We talked about this at a writer’s meeting on Sunday. You have to publish a few times a week, and make it regular. I’m pretty good about putting something up every week, always once, almost always twice, sometimes three or four times. But if you just drop by once a week, you know there will be new content at some point.

Bag jobs. There will be times when you’re just bursting about several topics. Write that blog then and there. Save it. Get it completely ready with keywords and the whole schmere and put it in the draft file. If it’s timely, run it the next day. If it can age a bit it will be there for that week when you’re on a mission trip, you’re wearing a red suit, or your dog dies and you couldn’t write a word if you tried. ALWAYS have at least one blog in the can, ready to go. Just don’t wait to post that restaurant review until after the place closes. It happens. Trust me, it happens.

So, you’ve got my total blog knowledge. Except for one thing: respect your readers. I have a very smart, funny, and sometimes silly group of readers. But because I treat them well and don’t insult them with lies (and nonsense to benefit me and only me) they keep coming back.

For that, I am very grateful.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.

Oh, one more thing: I did purposely mess up the title of this piece. Narf!

AGITPROP Is Alive And Well In Austin.

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I need to get out ahead on this one, because I am officially demanding an apology from every person who posts on Facebook about the evil, racist, Texas-sucks-because-they’re-white, people who put up the sticker below in Austin over the last few days. Most of the people who have to apologize to me (as a white guy who likes Texas, and Texans) haven’t even posted on this topic yet. But I know they will, and I know what they will say. They’re predictable. Push button, get outrage. That’s the whole point of Agitprop.

Suckers

Suckers

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I’ve predicted, and I’m sure it will be the case, that the sticker was produced and placed by some ultra-liberal/hipster/communist loon, or a black person who feels that the gentrification of the neighborhood is driving out minorities from an area they feel is “rightfully theirs.” Mind you, there is no real effort to color restrict this area, but it’s someone’s idea of raising social awareness and making sure that everyone thinks correctly.

Soon there will be serious discussions of this topic (but not at Starbucks) and the talking heads will all talk about the sad history of race relations in Texas, the horrendous dragging death of James Byrd (never mind that one of his killers is already dead from an execution and the other is on death row – without need of any hate crimes laws, just plain old murder) and the fact that George Bush was governor of the state.

The same talking heads will all be very quiet when this is exposed for what it is: theater.

Most of the widely publicized hate crimes incidents of the last 20 years have been fomented by agitators. People who wanted to point out the unfairness in society against blacks, jews, gays, and polar bears. They set it up, vandalized their own cars/homes/faces and then waited for the outrage. A great lesson was learned so it was worth it. Nah, I don’t think it was. When they were exposed their sad mental health was usually blamed. A few were fined, lost their jobs, or did a short bit of jail time. But most were just told not to do it again.

I think hate crime laws are odious. Here’s an idea: if they beat someone, try them for battery. If they kill someone, try them for murder. If they wreck a car with paint or hammers, vandalism. If they say something horrible – well, ostracize them. That first amendment is really a pesky thing, it allows people to tell me that the sky pilot I worship is no different than the flying spaghetti monster. I’m okay with that concept. Don’t expect me to talk to you, or do business with you. But you’re free to be your own special kind of idiot.

I think – make that I know – that Austin will be the same kind of special idiot. Likely a white person who is so in sympathy and down with the cause that he was making a brilliant point and we’re all just too stupid to see it. Or, a black guy who sees the neighborhood going upscale and losing it’s “authentic” nature.

Me? I like hipsters when they bring new food, bars, and music to a run down neighborhood. They should either grow a real beard or shave, but in general they’re no more annoying than hippies. Hippies just rarely did anything good for the local economy.

I also like black people. Come to think of it, my only real problem is with stupid or evil people. Crap, I’ve just broken another stereotype! With my background, religion, and education, I’m supposed to hate almost everyone who isn’t me. (Note: there is this guy, Jesus, whom I follow. Maybe you’ve heard of Him. He told me to love all as if they were myself. I’m working on that. Sorry about the stupid and evil people, Jesus: I’m a work in progress.)

Just saying.

So, all of you who shriek and moan about the racists in Texas over the next few days, please feel free to apologize to me on your Facebook page when you’re outed. I’d ask that you link to me at this link. I can use the exposure as a sage and a prophet.

If I am wrong, I will print an apology here in all capitals the day following Jane Fonda’s sincere apology for the increased torture of American prisoners of war in Hanoi. But only if John (Christmas in Cambodia) Kerry countersigns it with Hillary’s email signature.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.

Chris Rosati Has A Great Idea: The Butterfly Effect In Your Life. #commotiongrant – updated 10:55 CDST

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I’ve talked about random acts of kindness and paying it forward here before. Seems that it’s about to go mainstream with the efforts of Chris Rosati. Let’s jump on this bandwagon!

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There are a lot of variations on this idea, none of them are originally mine. Until now. I’m calling it #commotiongrant

UPDATED: Seems we needed to clarify what my twisted mind had hatched. Here’s how it works. You are given $20 bucks and are asked to do something good with it. You feed the homeless, buy a care package for a soldier, use the money to buy gasoline and mow every senior citizen’s lawn in the neighborhood, etc. You get the idea. You then give two other people $20 each and tell them to use it to do something good. So, you hand them $20 and they spend it on a good work. They then take $40 of their own, give $20 to two different people and ask them to do a good work and then bless two other people. It cascades. #commotiongrant can be considered as a reverse pyramid scheme. It starts out narrow and goes very wide very quickly.

The person that told me about this gave me $20 and told me to do something nice with it. I did. A good friend had suffered a loss in their family and they were hurting. Out came the $20 with my suggestion that they take their husband out to breakfast and remember all the great times with the dog that had passed away that evening.

Would I have done that if I hadn’t been handed the $20 earlier that day? Unlikely. But it felt so good to do it. I’m planning on doing it again. You see, that’s what the butterfly effect can do: I get $20 and then I give $20 to two people as well as doing a good deed. Those two people do it as well. That $20 doubles. The next time out, it quadruples. And so on. (Unlike Congress and their outlook, it adds up to real money around the third level.)

Better than even that, they tell people about it and those folks (some anyway) do the same. Next thing you know all sorts of people are handing out $20 bucks to two people and asking them to pay it forward.

The change this can effect will be small to you. But to the recipients it will be huge. Not just the monetary impact, but the fact that you will be growing that spirit of giving within others. Opening their minds to the simple act of helping others is pretty huge.

Today, before 2 pm, give two people $20. I’ve got one more person to give mine to and I’m going to have it taken care of before 8 pm Wednesday.

I’d love it if you’d report back to me via the comments on what “good deed” you did for another. Keep paying it forward and if you tweet or use Facebook, use the hashtag #commotiongrant and tell everyone about it via social media.

Let’s rock the world with kindness.

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I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit a million views in 2014, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help. When we hit 2,000,000 readers I will give away something cool to a drawing from the subscribers (that’s the box on the right toward the top) who have helped promote this mess. No used sheets, probably not honey, more likely gift cards. Be a part of it. I’ll update from time to time where we’re at in the count. Thanks.