Can’t Beat A Brownie. Or, “How I Keep Humble On Launch Day for Assault On Saint Agnes.”

Assault on Saint Agnes goes live around the world today. Audio book is done, just waiting for Audible to post the links and put it up for sale. You’d think my head might swell a bit? Nah. The Church Ladies fixed that with chocolate and flour.

First Public Signing

First Public Signing

Please follow me on Twitter, and “Like” the Facebook author page. Don’t forget to subscribe (the box is on the right side of the page) to be eligible for free e-books and other benefits! Oh yeah – grab a copy of Assault on Saint Agnes if you’re of a mind.

Sunday, as it happens, was the first time I’d set up a table to autograph and sell books. I kid-you-not, my Pastor gave me a very rousing endorsement from the pulpit. I cannot thank him enough for his kind words and accolades.

The problem is, Sunday was also the church ladies bake sale.

I don’t know about the church you attend, but at my church you dare not compete for dollars with either barbecue or bakery. Those two trump everything else on the planet. I am a regular purchaser of said commodities myself. Both are sold to raise funds on a semi-annual basis. The people on the production end of both are beyond talented: they are the Da Vinci’s of cooking.

It was my misfortune to compete for spare income against the carrot cake and brownie assortment. I even left my own signing table and went to check out the goods!

In all fairness, I did sell a bunch of books. It was a good day for any author with a new book. I’m hoping that as you read this today, it will be a great day for this author on the virtual sales floor at Amazon.com.

While I’m hoping that you buy the book, I do promise not to turn this blog into nothing but a sales platform. Every post will have the usual shill for the book (in a different color so you can filter it out) but unless something happens regarding an award, or some sales goal I need help with, I will not write about it every day after this week. This week I need the numbers!

If you’ve read the book, I’d very much appreciate it if you’d go to Amazon.com and write a review. Do the same at Goodreads.com and barnesandnoble.com. It makes a gigantic difference in how the book shows up in sales search engines when you review it online. Your review is worth as much to me as what you paid for the book. Thus, I beseech you: review the book!

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Yes, Assault on Saint Agnes is now available. Just click this link to find all the options! (I recommend the autographed copy. It’s cheaper than from the big stores, I scribble in it, and you get it mailed within 5 days. We all win.

I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit 2 million views in 2016, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help.

Three Days To Launch.

This will be an unusual post. Monday is the big day for Assault on Saint Agnes – it goes live on all sales channels. Including, hopefully, the audio book.

Today I want to give thanks. Next week I will shill with the best of them. Or, depending on your point of view, the worst of the lot.

Thank you, God, for giving me the ideas.

Thank you, Mom & Dad, for instilling the drive in me and giving me great genes for this task.

Thank you, Kip, for not killing me in my sleep at some point in the last few years. Edits, recording, contests, “issues” with people, and all the stress in the world. Plus interrupting you in your reading thousands of times to say, “Hey, got a minute?”

Thank you to all my friends for listening to my drivel and pondering for the last six years.

Thank you to my beta readers for your help in finding the good, and the bad, in the book and guiding me.

Thank you to contest judges for helping me find my voice in this industry.

Thank you to my publisher, Athanatos Ministries (in the person of Tony Horvath) for having faith in what I could do as an author – and recommending only changes that made the book better. That’s right – not one suggested change was rejected on my part.

Thank you to the readers of this blog for your following my exploits.

Thank you to all of my fellow authors, Facebook friends, and other certified lunatics I know for beating the drums next week and helping me promote this book.

Thank you to my sister, Jean, for all of her help in doing publicity and planning to make this a hit.

Thank you to all the people who have already bought the book – the number of early/presales has me a bit floored. I have evidently exceeded the immediate circle of friends and branched out into the real world!

Thank you to all the people who lit up like neon lights when I handed them their personal copy. You (there’s a few of you) have cheered me on for years and told people about me in such glowing terms that I know I’ll make it through the next gate. Friends like these are invaluable.

Thank you to all of those who will rush to Amazon.com, Goodreads.com, and Barnesandnoble.com on Monday to review the book. Many of you bought them at personal signing events the last few weeks. You are the paying customers that authors dream about. Each of those reviews is a testimony to your amazing generousity. I know you have other things to do, yet I know you will be there to do the review when the book goes live. You are a blessing. (Just remember to say you got it either in exchange for a fair and impartial review (if it was free), or purchased it at an early signing event if you paid for it!)

Finally, thank you, Stormy, for not scratching the last of the flesh off of my left leg while I wrote this book and edited it. I know the temptation was almost insurmountable. Now, want a cookie?

If you’re the type, I ask you to say some prayers for me this weekend. I need those more than book sales. But don’t put your credit card away just yet…

Monday. See you then.

Steal this picture for your Facebook post.

Steal this picture for your Facebook post.

That Cold Shower Was Bracing…

The final days of getting ready to launch your book are like a marathon. A marathon obstacle course. With extra potholes. And sheep on the course. Rams, in specific – the ones with horns. That’s the last two weeks.

Please follow me on Twitter, and “Like” the Facebook author page. Don’t forget to subscribe (the box is on the right side of the page) to be eligible for free e-books and other benefits! Oh yeah – grab a copy of Assault on Saint Agnes if you’re of a mind.

Today I was supposed to write this brilliant how-to on audio books. Actually, yesterday write, today publish. But that didn’t happen. I’m not sure if it’s because I fell over a week behind on audio book production due to the demolition next door. A demolition that took years to happen, and just happened to be done during the three weeks I’d budgeted to do the audio book.

Or, perhaps, it was that I spent time waiting for tow trucks and repairing my car.

Maybe it was the lack of hot water when the tankless-run-forever-water-heater went down and I had to go to work without a shower.

Perhaps it was the fact that my audio files were rejected for not meeting quality standards.

Yeah, probably that last one. I got a really generic email from the quality assurance engineer that told me that “the majority” of the files had a certain issue. Mind you, it’s an issue that should be very easy to fix. I’ve been doing this for a really long time.

So, last night, after a day at the day job that could only be described as Sysiphusian, I got home and fired up the system. I randomly reviewed the production files audibly, visually (great software to show the wave forms), and did it to both the system files and the finished MP3 files. Nada. No indication of the trouble they heard. Zilch.

I went to bed.And for the next hour I tossed and turned, thinking of all the things going wrong.

Around 1 I changed course. I started thanking God for all the stuff that was going right. The house with a roof. Enough food to make me fat. A wife who loves me and tolerates me. A dog that grows more affectionate each day. A job that pays well and keeps me out of the weather. A book that is starting to garner unbelievable reviews from readers and reviewers alike.

All the things He gives me each day. I counted them. And those sheep on the marathon obstacle course all started to step aside as I fell asleep.

This morning I rigged the water heater to work long enough for a shower. I’m sure I’ll be punished by the utility for that evil act. I made fresh coffee. I sent an email to the audio people to get more detailed answers. I can fix it if I know where to look.

What looked horrible, and kept me sleepless last night at midnight, is not so bad this morning. In fact, it’s nice and sunny outside and the day beckons.

I’ll do the audiobook post soon. But I have to get it right first.

I hope your day goes right.

(update – email from producer with specifics. I’m on it!)

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Yes, Assault on Saint Agnes is now available. Just click this link to find all the options! (I recommend the autographed copy. It’s cheaper than from the big stores, I scribble in it, and you get it mailed within 5 days. We all win.

I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit 2 million views in 2016, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help.

One Week And Counting.

Somewhere along the line a person who couldn’t write a book if their life depended on it said, “You just tell a story, write it down, and sell it for a lot of money. How hard could that be?”

Heh. Well, with one week to go before Assault on Saint Agnes goes live on all the sales sites, I’d like to tell you a bit about the journey.

Please follow me on Twitter, and “Like” the Facebook author page. Don’t forget to subscribe (the box is on the right side of the page) to be eligible for free e-books and other benefits! Oh yeah – grab a copy of Assault on Saint Agnes if you’re of a mind.

First, lest you think I’m complaining, I’m really grateful that I’ve hit the point where this book is going to be in the public’s hands. I will find out, unlike so many who write books but never get them published, if my voice and style have any merit in the marketplace. Truthfully, winning contests and getting reviewers to say nice things (Ace of Spades Blog, Peter Younghusband) is a wonderful experience. But until a whole bunch of people plunk down money and ask if I’ve written anything else, it’s pretty much a theoretical question.

Most Recent Award

Most Recent Award

April 18, 2016 we will get the answer to the question “Can Joseph Courtemanche make it as an author?”

My answer is: Yes. God, and my friends in the writing community have led me down the proper paths to make it.

Part of that is just forgetting to sleep for a few weeks at a time. In the last month, I’ve gotten less sleep than in quite some time. I get up early, and go to bed late, working on audio book versions and social media campaigns. The audiobook couldn’t be started until we agreed on the final-final-final-no-more-changes version of the story. Consequently, I had one month to do that work. I hadn’t counted on some voice issues and a week of intermittent construction/demolition of the house next door. Hard to record when the walls are literally falling down ten feet away.

But you cope. You get home from work and record a chapter at eleven in the evening. Or, like Saturday, you get up at 7 am and try to record. That, naturally, was the day that the Minnesota Air National Guard decided to practice touch-and-gos at a local airport. I’m under the flight path at it’s far end. Lots of fun dodging C-130 noise when doing the LAST FOUR CHAPTERS. They’d been done, but needed to be redone due to a buzz on the recording. Herky-birds make a buzz as well. So, instead of three chapters, I got one in between propeller beats.

Did I mention creating artwork for party invitations? Or mailing out books to the fantastic people who have already bought autographed copies? (Speaking of which, my publicist informed me I need a “signature phrase for autographing” this morning. I have three I’m considering. A kind coworker suggested one as well, but I don’t think this audience would appreciate it. For those in the know, it starts out B.O.H….. Yeah. That’s the kind of friends I have.)

Then there’s the whole day-job thing. They, strangely, expect me to show up and do their bidding while I sit in their office. I have gleefully agreed to that, the checks are important.

Being a husband, neighbor, father to Stormy, and man who’s car broke down in the middle of it all, take a bit away from writing as well.

My point is, this is fun. It is hard work. If you know an author give them their proper due. You can’t just “phone it in” until you’ve sold that third million books. It’s not just a craft, but it’s a love-affair with words.

I love those words. In seven days we’ll see just how much they love me.

In the meantime, I’ll post a bit more on the journey Wednesday. Grab an autographed copy at the link on the top right. Be blessed. Thanks for taking the time to drop by and read my blog.

It wouldn’t happen without all of you.

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Yes, Assault on Saint Agnes is now available. Just click this link to find all the options! (I recommend the autographed copy. It’s cheaper than from the big stores, I scribble in it, and you get it mailed within 5 days. We all win.

I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit 2 million views in 2016, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help.

The House Next Door: A Metaphor For The United States If We Don’t Wake Up.

Twenty years ago (give or take) I moved into the first house I’ve called “ours” (my wife has an equal share). Our next door neighbor was a great fellow, also named Joe. A better neighbor you would not find. This is what’s left of his house at noon on Monday.

Joe's house.

Joe’s house.

Please follow me on Twitter, and “Like” the Facebook author page. Don’t forget to subscribe (the box is on the right side of the page) to be eligible for free e-books and other benefits! Oh yeah – grab a copy of Assault on Saint Agnes if you’re of a mind.

So much has gone wrong in this situation, all of it eerily paralleling the course of the ship of state. This picture, and the story, should be a warning to all.

Joe took an early retirement in a wave of downsizing. He was not an old man, but like many blue-collar workers who were being swept out of the workforce in the post-industrial age, he was left adrift in an era when you didn’t need to be at work at 0500 to fire up the glue for the binding machine. All done digitally now, thank-you-very-much.

So Joe came home. He puttered around the house. He sat in his kitchen and drank coffee and read the paper. And he slowly lost interest in much of anything except God and his family.

A few years roll by, and Joe starts to have health issues. In specific, he’s got horrendous problems with balance and tinnitus. Walking his dog for miles is no longer an option to pass time. The dog died, and a new dog came into a house where walks were short and the master was frail. The dog, like most animals, took advantage of this and dragged Joe around.

Joe loved the dog, but didn’t discipline him very well. The dog bit people and grew fat and aggressive. Nobody would tell him not to behave that way.

A few more years pass by and the go-go days of the housing boom are upon us. An evil party (no names, it would get me sued) convinced Joe to take out a second mortgage and give them the money. They would pay the monthly installments, but their credit was bad and Joe’s was good. Sure enough, Joe was a helping guy. He did it for them out of kindness.

More time passes and the relative who persuaded him to do this dies. Unexpectedly. At a young age. The remaining member of that family left Joe holding the bag on the mortgage, refusing to help.

Joe, now short one beloved relative, and saddled with a giant mortgage on a meager retirement, fell into a depression and quit fixing things around the house. Life was pretty lousy: bad hearing, no balance, money gone, beloved relative dead.

But like many of his generation, Joe kept on ticking over, making it against the tide. Sorrow and poverty couldn’t take him down so easily.

Then one of his children died. A child who, like most adult children, simultaneously loved and bickered with her dad. But she was there when he needed support, and her passing left him leaning in the wind. Not much was supporting him at that point, but he was still on two feet.

But the dog died shortly afterward. The incorrigible, fat, obnoxious dog that was his best friend, needed to be put down due to an illness. The final nail was pulled out of the support system for Joe.

In just under two years he died. His family gathered around in the final days, but I had known it was coming. I visited Joe in the hospital and hospice. He’d thrown in the towel.

To recap:

Lost job due to change in production process.

Insurmountable debt due to go-go housing bubble.

Death in the family.

Pet deceased.

This is where the story turns to the really sad tale of what a socialist government and the crony capitalists push for more power in the progressive way.

The mortgage company that held the paper on Joe’s house wouldn’t talk to me. I told them several times that Joe had passed away, offered to send a copy of the death certificate. I told them I’d like to make an offer on the house. I hoped to rehab it and see a family move in next door. Nope, not interested. Seems that if you don’t know that the customer is deceased, and you just keep mounting up debt, you don’t have to move the paper to the loss column.

For the last four years I mowed the lawn, shoveled the snow, trimmed the hedges. I called the cops when house strippers tried to steal the copper. (The police dragged them out in cuffs. It was sweet). All to no avail.

The property was eventually declared abandoned. I don’t know if the mortgage company ever finished the problem out in an official foreclosure. I do know that the roof started to fray around the edges, creating the largest pigeon coop in Minnesota.  I also know that once that sign went on the door it was a sad day.

The usual suspects came in to play at this point. Mail kept being shoved through the slot (including mine when the postal carriers didn’t look closely) and newspapers littered the decaying concrete steps just below the abandoned building notice. Not their job to think, just to shove mail through the slot and toss papers on the lawn.

I went to the city council meetings where the property was discussed. I tried again to get the property but it was in legal limbo. You see, in Saint Paul, you have to bring a house up to the new code in order to rent/sell it once it is declared abandoned. Rather prohibitive. In any event, it was never put up for auction once it was declared abandoned.

Time went by, inspections regularly noted that it was decaying further. Finally it was slated for demolition. I found out by virtue of the fact that the electric utility cut the power lines and capped the gas. That backhoe is hard to miss.

Last week the giant machine appeared in the back yard. Scared Stormy to death.

This week we watched for two days as they crushed what was left of a 100 year old brick house with wood floors, stained glass, and plaster walls. A place where more than 1 family grew up and left the nest. A place, that with a little less obstinacy on the part of a greedy lender, a blind city council that tried to eliminate “flipping” with draconian measures, and a system that encouraged capitalism rather than drove it out of the city, this house might once again be a home.

As it is, there is merely some fresh dirt and grass seed where friends of mine once lived. An empty spot on my block. A metaphor for our country.

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Yes, Assault on Saint Agnes is now available. Just click this link to find all the options! (I recommend the autographed copy. It’s cheaper than from the big stores, I scribble in it, and you get it mailed within 5 days. We all win.

I have a favor to ask of my readers: would you kindly share this blog with your friends, family, and colleagues? We hit 2 million views in 2016, and while the readership continues a nice growth trend, it could be a lot better. Just hit the Facebook like button, share it on your timeline, tweet the blog with a link, and tell that person at the next desk that there’s this lunatic who writes about all sorts of stuff that they might like.

I appreciate your help.