Sorry About The Misunderstanding.

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I’m not very attentive to much of what happens on Facebook, I generally look at the pretty pictures and wander on to the next post about puppies or beheadings. (Yeah, seems to be the two top topics today. Weird, eh?)

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So you can imagine my surprise when I was told that I had the whole ALS Ice Bucket Challenge thing backwards.

The judge told me today, and my attorney concurs, that if I wrote a blog about the incident the charges would be dismissed and we could all move on to the next item in our lives. I’m good with that concept.

I was under the impression that you had to dump a bucket of ice water over the head of three people you’d challenged. Then they would do the same thing to three other people. If you got the chain going, ultimately dozens (if not hundreds) of drippy, shivering people would give money to a charity. It made perfect sense to me: you stay dry, tag three imbeciles who aren’t situationally aware, and then they try to get the next three.

I’d even done it the right way, made a video for Facebook, challenged the three vict…candidates to be aware of my approach and give them a chance to donate to ALS. Heck, I even did a professional voice over job on it with Lou Gherig as my background! lougherig

I didn’t realize that you were supposed to douse yourself and then challenge three other people to do the same. I’m still a bit mystified about that part of the thing: why would you soak yourself with ice water? But I digress.

It seems that the three people I challenged got wind of my posting and called the police. Seriously, I figured prominent politicians like those three would have a sense of humor and just make the donation rather than risk getting doused. The judge said the words I used were threatening. Not true: I don’t threaten – I promise.

In any event, they made me take the posting and video down as part of the plea arrangement. I have agreed to donate to the ALS foundation in memory of Lou Gherig, and if I don’t “threaten” any public figures for one year my record will be expunged.

All in all, couldn’t they have just sent me an email soliciting funds? Those attorney fees are steep.

Broken Teeth From Grinding.

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My regular readers will attest to the fact that I am not a grammar Nazi. I’m not even a grammar facist. I’m not sure I know enough to get in trouble with grammar.

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I am, however, an advertising fanatic. I watch/listen to commercials and grind my teeth to the point where real pain is a problem. Sometimes it’s just bad sentence constructs. Most often it’s really bad pronunciation. Today’s particular issue is the trend in advertising where you say something to get the attention of the listener and then tie your product in somehow. Without any logical link. Or, any common sense. I will demonstrate:

“You know, Dean, Colorado has more mountains than Belgium. That’s probably because our customers here at Moronco have more time to go skiing since we plow their driveways for them year round.”

I would give you the precise language of the two commercials (in heavy rotation) that have set me to the edge of violence, but they might sue me. If they were smart enough to realize they’d been insulted. I doubt they could do the math. (See how stupid that alone is?)

Let’s dissect the example for fun, eh? I’ll grant you that Colorado has more mountains than Belgium. I mean, Duh. But how in the name of Stormy’s barking fits, does that equate to being caused by snow plowing or skiing?

Is the author of the copy for the ad such a complete dimwit that they don’t understand linkage? Are they trying to get me to remember the name of the company? (It doesn’t work, I can’t remember them while I’m fuming about how stupid they are…) Or am I so pathetic that the smartest trend in advertising is losing me as a customer.

That must be it! I’m way more stupid than I ever realized. I guess that’s a part of being stupid. Whew, glad that revelation came along.

Now I can go back to planning my trip to the state fair. I have jam entered. You know, Minnesota produces more jam than Wisconsin produces movies about zombies. So we can all sing bass now.

Please, God, come soon. The dumbing down of my culture is almost complete.

Sunday’s Present And Past.

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I’ve been at my current church a few years now. I used to be a Deacon at another church. That either reflected sterling attributes on my part or bad judgement on the Pastor’s part. I’m inclined to think it was the latter most days.

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Today I walked in to my church and headed for my assigned seat. No, we don’t have them, but I like my perch in the back on the left. It’s where I’m comfortable. As I walked into the sanctuary a woman turned to see who was approaching and her eyes got big. She said, “Is your name Joe? Did you used to go to CHURCH X?”

Immediately my inner Scooby Doo said, “Ruh-roh.” I’m sure I’ve met this person and slighted them, or I’m about to be blamed for something I didn’t do and it’s mistaken identity. (There was another deacon named Joe at the church. All Joe’s look alike, etc.)

“Yes, I did go there.”

“I thought so. You were a Deacon. I remember you because you gave me my first Bible.”

Wow. Of all the things I’ve ever done in my life, that has to be on the gooder than good list. I loved giving Bibles out. I think it made the Pastor a little nuts, because I’d buy a couple of cases of Bibles and stock the pews and hand them out to people who didn’t have one. I considered it part of my tithe and deducted it from my taxes as I gave the Bibles to the church.

The point, lest I wander too far, is that I thought it was a great thing to do then, and I still think it is today. I have bought hundreds of Bibles over the last decade. I hand them out to people, put them in care packages, have a few in the car, and donate them when I can. It’s a beautiful thing for me to spread the word on a very personal level. And, as today revealed, it left an impression on one young woman.

She looked great. All dressed for church, her male companion dressed nicely as well. I don’t remember her from that time, but the fact that it was her first scripture and she’s still going to church made me feel good. I’d won a round. Yeah!

We all have contact with strangers in any position of leadership in our churches. I was the guy who greeted you at the door, welcomed you to the church, made sure you had a Bible before you left. (I also mopped, shoveled snow, cleaned out the storage room, rebuilt the computers,scrubbed pots…) I saw a lot of faces just one time. But more saw me and weighed the experience on how good a representative I was for Jesus during that encounter.

Today I can hold my head high. I done good at least once.

My Phone Is Trying To Tell Me Something. Maybe It’s God?

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No, I don’t think my phone is a deity. I mean perhaps God is using my phone to send me a message.

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I have a couple of thousand songs loaded onto my tablet and my telephone. I use them as a juke box while I work on projects. The last month has featured one song over and over in my rotation. I love Motown, I like some modern country, love Gospel, enjoy modern Christian. But this song is from a Scottish Ballad singer: Al Stewart. And every time I turn the tunes on he’s there singing Trains. Please take a minute to watch the video and then rejoin me. (warning! Graphic images of Holocaust brutality.)

It is my personal opinion that evil was pushed back by a great measure with the blood sacrifice of the American Civil War. Revisionists will tell you that it was an economic war. Politicians will tell you it was to preserve the union of states. I think it was a war to cleanse our national soul of the stain of slavery. By shedding that blood we cleansed this nation in many ways and it allowed us to prosper and grow.

World War I opened the door a crack for evil, and the Russian and Chinese communist revolutions widened the opening with their mass slaughter. But for pure evil flying like monkeys from the castle, Adolph Hitler and the Third Reich kicked the doors of Hell wide open. This song, Trains, talks about that evil and how it lingers to this day in our souls.

This week we’ve seen slaughter, genocide, insanity in new waves cross the Middle East. That’s how the press would like you to view it, but it’s just a continuation of what happened seventy years ago in Germany and Poland. Evil is walking this earth. Rwanda, Cambodia, Serbia – the list of murders and crimes against God is truly endless in the past century. We weren’t perfect before that, but it seems to be picking up the pace in the last few decades.

We live in an age when prayer, fasting, and contemplation are needed more and more all the time. We spent this last week mourning Robin Williams. That’s fine, but he was one sad and depressed man. What about the hundreds who will die in Chicago this year from gunfire? The Yazedis who are dying of thirst on a mountain in Iraq. Or of the Christians slaughtered in Nigeria and Egypt. Our priorities are a mess. Not to mention the thousands of children who are abused to the point of death every week on this globe floating through space.

Today I ask you to consider a regimen of prayer, fasting, and contemplation for one week. I know nobody can leap right into it without planning. So let’s do it the week of September 7th. I am going to prepare for it by making a list of things I need help with in my life. The things where I want to seek guidance from God. The things I need to change to make my world right.

I hope you’ll join me. It’s almost a month away. Let’s do it together and listen to that message I keep hearing from God on my telephone. It is a smart phone if I listen to the message.

Win A Few, Lose A Few.

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Today brings an end to an era: the balding tires on the Explorer. About the time you read this there will be four new shoes on the go-kart. (Yeah, I’m hip…)

I put it off as long as I could, but there’s a road trip in my future, and winter isn’t taking this year off last I heard. So it is time to take care of the tires. Another giant expense in a week full of money matters.

But I have to admit it has been a good week. I’ve been blessed with good friends, good food, and a sheepdog who was sudzed and scrubbed before they trimmed her considerable coat. She’s as soft as baby hair and smells like a bag of Fritos. Funny, eh? Dog body odor smells like my favorite snack food. Intelligent design at its finest.

Today I’m giving thanks for all of the prayer you have layered on my requests last week. I need you to pour it on again, but this time for me. I have some tough decisions to make this week and God’s blessing will go a long way to making me comfortable with them. I know in my heart where I need to go, but the path is a bit fuzzy at the moment.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the sun has been amazingly kind to my bald head. I’ve been outside more in the last month than I had been in a long time. Why? I’ve resumed long-distance walking. I’m back up to four mile jaunts around the city. I came to the realization that I was physically able to do it again after spending ten hours on my feet at the church fun fest. Sore? Yeah. But I wasn’t dying.

Every time I head out on the path to some distant point it gets a little bit easier. I feel better, actually seeing some definition in the calf muscle, and less pain the next day. Wind is still marginal, but that will come with time. It’s wonderful to be doing my favorite thing once again. After two knee surgeries I’d just about given up on the sport, but the fun fest convinced me that I could do it if I wanted.

Once again, God used the church to guide me on the right path. Don’t dismiss the impact of that place in your life. Even silly stuff like fun fests plays a role. There are lots of things God wants to show you if you’ll just open your eyes.

Well, time for me to shut mine for a while. I hope your Thursday is beautiful. Please remember to pray for all those on the list, me, and … one more thing: wrack your brain for a friend in trouble. Depressed, sad, isolated, ill. Take time out of your day to reach out to them and love them. Bring them a brownie from the gas station, a cold Pepsi from your fridge, or just mow the lawn for them. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but when it comes from your heart it will bless theirs. It might be what keeps them coming back for the new dawn. Not trying to be heavy, but to remind you that you have an influential role in your friends lives.

Be blessed.