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Perfect. Simply Perfect.

Posted on June 21, 2012 by Joe

The DuffleBlog is the Onion for military people.

I loved this article and you should just click here and go read it. This one is safe for work, but many on this site are not. Use discretion. They’re all funny.

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Posted in military, Pure Blather Tagged comedy, commotion in the pews, joseph courtemanche, military, the duffle blog, the onion permalink

About Joe

I'm a conservative Christian author who's been happily married for over 25 years. I am a Veteran of the United States Navy Naval Security Group. I speak few languages, I have an absurd sense of humor and I'm proud to be an American.

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Joseph Courtemanche

MORE SUB TALES is now available on Audible.com

More Sub Tales will entertain and inform the reader about key moments and milestones in the evolution of submarines. Learn about the many ordeals, sacrifices, and brave acts that represent the proud legacy of this underappreciated segment of our Armed Forces. Each story has been carefully vetted by more than two dozen veteran submariners for accuracy, and in most chapters, additional authenticity has been gained by interviewing actual participants. Care has been taken to omit what needs to remain classified, but in no way does such safeguarding get in the way of captivating storytelling.

Available on Audible.com

THE CORN SIEGE IS NOW AVAILABLE

Average Americans were told, "You will own nothing, and be happy." They are not happy, but now they have nothing, so have nothing left to lose. But what to do? A mysterious 'Corn King' proves to be the catalyst. The 'Corn King' explains how activist-soldiers like Saul Alinsky have targeted them, and reveals how Americans can turn the tables on their oppressors using the same tactics that were used against them.

Individuals are tired of being chewed up and spit out in the progressive's bid to create a 'perfect society, ' but is it too late to do anything about it? In The Corn Siege, America finally ruptures, the rage spreading from 'fly over' country in a great wave that ultimately reaches the coasts, threatening to drown them.

The Corn Siege is satirical fiction, not prophecy. It glories in skewering the people who don't believe we need farms because we have grocery stores. It mocks the people who believe you can plant a cow and harvest lettuce. In The Corn Siege, people get what they deserve: the harvest of the kinds of seeds they actually planted.

Buy it now on Audible

PANIC SWITCH now available

The oily and brackish waters of the Russian Northern Fleet submarine base part for the passage of the colossal special purpose Omega II-class submarine Belgorod, on a mission to hold the United States hostage. This gigantic submarine is armed with three Poseidon unmanned submersibles, each with a 10-megaton warhead. Her goal: placing them offshore in US ports in a nuclear-blackmail chess move.

In response, the United States dispatches the newest special operations attack submarine, the Virginia-class USS New Jersey, which lies in wait to follow Belgorod under the polar icecap. Because every submariner knows that what happens under the ice...never happened.

Legendary former admiral and current National Security Advisor Michael Pacino and his son Anthony, a combat-decorated veteran of undersea warfare, return in this epic novel of submarine-versus-submarine warfare.

Get The Audio Book Here

WHIRLWIND now available

A king’s downfall and a love that transcends war

Spurned by potential suitors, Miriam travels to Jezreel to care for her cousin’s son. There, the precocious seven-year-old works his way into her heart. When Arameans swarm the land like locusts, Miriam focuses on the safety of her young ward but promises adventures beyond the city walls when the war ends.

Gershon, a quiet and kind vintner, is happily building a life for his wife, son, and aging parents. But when his wife dies during childbirth and war looms on the horizon, he must make a decision—will he take a new wife before his heart can mend?

Meanwhile, Dov, a young officer crosses paths with the “bird girl” he remembers from the past. That she is a beautiful woman matters not, as he is a career soldier. Unexpectedly charged with leading Ahab’s army against the Arameans, Dov anticipates death and defeat in Samaria, but when a prophet pledges victory, Dov vows to fight to the end.

When an unlikely victory brings freedom, a bright future seems imminent. Then one afternoon Miriam witnesses a tragedy and must flee with the boy to keep them both safe. With henchmen on their trail, will they find refuge—and her heart the home she’s longed for?

Purchase WHIRLWIND here

The US Navy’s On-the-Roof Gang, Volume 2: War in the Pacific

The US Navy's On-the-Roof Gang, Volume 2: War in the Pacific is an historical novel based on the unknown true-life story of the "On-the-Roof Gang". It is a sequel to The US Navy's on-the-Roof Gang, Volume 1: Prelude to War.

This second volume begins with the Japanese surprise attack on Pearl Harbor and documents the contributions of the On-the-Roof Gang during World War II. It focuses on the wartime stories of the On-the-Roof Gang intercept operators, some who were stationed in Hawaii, some who survived a tortuous existence in a POW camp, others who had to evacuate their intercept sites, and still others who performed intercept operations while at sea during some of the most famous naval battles of World War II.

PURCHASE IT HERE

Prelude to War The US Navy’s On-the-Roof Gang, Volume 1

The US Navy's On-the-Roof Gang, Volume 1: Prelude to War is an historical novel based on the unknown true-life story of the "On-the-Roof Gang", the US Navy's fledgling radio intelligence organization in the years leading up to World War II. It is based on the real life of Harry Kidder, a US Navy radioman who first discovered and deciphered Japanese katakana telegraphic code while stationed in the Philippines in the 1920s, discovering the he was listening to Imperial Japanese Navy (IJN) radio communications. Kidder strongly believed in the future of radio intelligence, and a chance meeting with Lieutenant Laurance Safford led to the birth of the Navy's Radio Intelligence community.

Kidder taught others the nascent art of intercepting IJN communications on the roof of the Main Navy Building in Washington, DC. From 1928 to 1941, 176 sailors and marines attended this training and were then stationed as radio intercept operators around the Pacific. These men would become known as the On-the-Roof Gang and were charged with keeping track of the IJN as they prepared for war with the United States. The circumstances of America's entry into World War II hinged on success or failure of the On-the-Roof Gang, and Harry Kidder knew this.

On-the-Roof Gang: Prelude to War concludes with the "date which will live in infamy", December 7, 1941.

PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.

Purchase it here!

REASONED RESILIENCY now available as an audio book

The authors are both senior mentors for Navigating Adversity (an internationally recognized program for improving resilience for first responders), and chaplains within that program.

There is a devotional for every day, because an uplift is an important part of working in a field that takes a piece of you each time you put on the uniform.

Purchase it here!

RAIN by Dana McNeely now available!

In ancient Samaria, Aban anticipates his rites of passage with excitement and dread. He yearns to join the priesthood of Ba’al Melqart, unlock the power of the rain god, and hear the deity’s voice. He’s been warned the licentious ceremony can take a dangerous turn, but as eldest son of the high priestess, he holds a privileged position. If he can make it through the ceremony, one day he’ll rise to high priest.

On the eve of the rituals, Aban’s mother confesses a dark secret about the bloody sacrifice demanded by Melqart. Aban may have escaped the flames, but if he is to save his brother, Aban must take his destined position of power as soon as possible.

When the mysterious prophet Elijah interrupts the rites, overturns the idol, and curses the land with drought, Aban’s world is shaken. The current high priest and the king appear powerless, but even more confusing is the fact that the rain god does nothing.

Against his better judgment, Aban conceals the strange prophet’s whereabouts, forfeiting the high priesthood. Now an enemy of the relentless Queen Jezebel, Aban has little time to question his fading commitment to Ba’al Melqart as he and his loved ones flee. But the conflict in Samaria is much larger than just a high priestess and her sons. Soon, Aban will have to choose a side in Yahweh’s war against the Ba’als—and it may cost him his life.

Purchase RAIN on this link

DIGITAL DREAMS NOW ON SALE

In this surreal landscape, dying legends haunt sheltered keeps, young boys reconstruct ancient giants, astronauts push the boundaries of the solar system, and metal nightmares reign over faraway rocks. Alluring and compelling, Digital Dreams is a multifaceted blend of mystery, imagination, and devotion—as thrilling as interstellar exploration, and as dangerous as another day at the office.

Buy Digital Dreams via this link!

REASONED RESILIENCY: A RATIONAL DEVOTIONAL FOR FIRST RESPONDERS

Reasoned Resiliency: A Rational Devotional for First Responders is unique in that it combines a spiritual message with practical advice for a daily dose of uplift. Nondenominational, and applicable to all spiritual philosophies, it probes the spiritual values of the reader and encourages them to grow in their resilience and wellness. The authors are both Senior Mentors for NAVIGATING ADVERSITY (an internationally recognized program for improving resilience for First Responders) and chaplains within that program.
This devotional is an ideal gift for a First Responder, and should have a place in every desk, ambulance, fire rig, and patrol car for those times when a spiritual lift, and some resilience building is needed. There is a devotional for every day, because an uplift is an important part of working in a field that takes a piece of you each time you put on the uniform.

Available now at Amazon

Sub Tales: Stories That Seldom Surface

Packed with 40 gripping stories from the annals of US submarine history, Sub Tales attempts to convey some of the drama, adventure, and humor that has typified service aboard the submarines of the US Navy over the past 100+ years. Included in this edition is a new completely new story about polar bear sightings by submarines, and a new description of an unlikely rescue at sea by the Seadragon! The 40 stories are accompanied by a bonus section that includes seven “submarine lists” that will be certain to entertain the reader. Stories vary in length from short to medium to long. You decide the reading order.

LOST BITS is now available

The last thing K-404 remembers is a happy home with the human child Ele, whose care is his primary purpose. So, when he wakes up in a landfill of tossed-away technology, his only thought is to reunite with his family.

This world is not his own, though. It’s a wasteland of desolate buildings, flying metal disks, and monstrosities that keep themselves active by stealing another bot’s power.

How did the world get this way?

And why was he discarded?

Hampered by imperfect memory, an obsolete body, and limited battery life, 404 sets out to find his home. Joined by other castaways, he faces off against scavengers and monsters, only to encounter greater threats.

Pursued, outsmarted, and manipulated on every side, 404 teeters on the brink of annihilation. His only chance of survival? Those bits of himself—the connections—he hasn’t lost.

Click here to buy a copy of LOST BITS

SPIRITUAL SURVIVAL FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT is now available as an audio book!

Spiritual Survival for Law Enforcement provides a solid, substantive foundation for nourishing the soul of the cop and replenishing his or her reservoir of idealism and spirituality. Jam-packed with exercises, tools, and insights, this is your one-stop practical guide to restoring inner peace and clarity. This book will show you how to: Become emotionally and spiritually resilient Understand what you truly need to heal your inner wounds Find new meaning in the career Rekindle your warrior spirit Replace anger with peace, resentment with satisfaction A "must-have" for all new and seasoned law enforcement officers!

Keeping it all Together is now on sale

Public safety professionals rely heavily on the love and safety found within in their homes. Theirs is an emotionally taxing job, requiring a great deal of support and encouragement from the ones who love them most. Their wellness has always been a priority, but what about their loved ones? They need just as much care and consideration as the first responders in their lives…maybe more. Using personal stories and a diverse array of peer-reviewed behavioral, psychological, and organizational research, the authors present an evidence-based model for building physical, psychological, cognitive, emotional, financial, spiritual, social, and professional capital. This same whole-life approach to wellness is also used in the first responders’ edition of Navigating Adversity. Now their loved ones can learn to master the tools proven to build resilience on the home front, while helping our public safety professionals serve the community.

WHAT IS KOSHER? is now available in audio book

The term "kashrut" refers to the Jewish religious dietary laws derived from the Torah. The term "kashrut" is derived from the Hebrew word "kasher" meaning "fit" or "acceptable". From the word "kasher", we derive the word "kosher" in its anglicized form. But before we discuss what kosher is, let’s discuss some ideas as to “why” kosher exists.

Why, after all, would a religious faith be concerned about what people eat? This audiobook answers these questions and provides the student or curious individual with the basics of what kosher is and why it is observed by religious Jews around the world.

Purchase WHAT IS KOSHER? at this link!

RACE: A NOVEL

Race is a window into death and life investigated by a detective who has his own choice to make between heaven and hell.

Roman Diego, a thoroughbred assistant trainer, is found dead in his tack room at the Rainier Meadows Racetrack. Is the confused, barely covered young woman who had awakened next to the dead man a killer?

As Detective David James investigates the death of Roman Diego, a syringe containing a mystery liquid is discovered. The mystery deepens as the list of suspects gets longer. Who would want to kill Roman Diego, one of the "good guys"?

In this raw, romantic, and redemptive novel, David James searches for a common denominator between the suspects and the victim as the motive becomes harder to ignore.

On Sale Now At This Link

POOPIE SUITS AND COWBOY BOOTS

Poopie Suits & Cowboy Boots: Tales of a Submarine Officer During the Height of the Cold War, now in its fifth edition since 2017, has earned a popular place in modern submarine literature for its engaging style and pacing. Set in the throes of the Cold War during the Nixon administration, the story follows the journey of Frank Hood through training and eventual deployment as a junior officer aboard a fast-attack submarine (USS Seahorse [SSN-669]) based out of Charleston, South Carolina.

The final product is our best effort yet in telling Frank’s compelling coming-of-age story during the contentious 1960s. While biographical in form, Frank’s story serves as a scaffolding of sorts to allow detailed side explorations of the basics of US submarine history; fundamental submarine systems such as sonar, propulsion, diving, weapons, and periscope functions; the intense training and repetition required to gain qualification in submarines; and the colorful traditions of the US Navy.

The book is replete with dozens of funny stories as well. It’s an enjoyable story that not only informs the reader of all things submarine-related, but also includes a number of cultural references that made life during that turbulent period both difficult and memorable.

Poopie Suits & Cowboy Boots

DARK TRANSIT NOW AVAILABLE

Lieutenant Anthony Pacino reports aboard the “project boat” USS Vermont two years after having survived the catastrophic sinking of the Piranha. Pacino quickly learns that Vermont’s missions are all ultra-secret with the boat reporting only to the sub force commander, the national security advisor, and the president: Vermont does the dirty deeds that need doing in deadly silence and obscurity.

After Vermont misses the mark on an easy mission, there are questions asked about her ability to conduct the next mission, one that is vital to the security of the United States and the future of the submarine force. Vermont is tasked with stealing a revolutionary submarine that the Russians are testing with an Iranian crew because it’s too risky to use Russian sailors. It’s a high-stakes gamble for all involved, with the losers vanishing if things go wrong, the winners validating a world-changing technology.

Pacino is part of the mission to steal the submarine, but the toughest obstacle is a wolf-pack of Russians coming to the defense of the Iranian submarine. Getting it back to the United States for evaluation becomes secondary to surviving an exchange of missiles and torpedoes in an underwater battle that threatens to let the final genie out of the bottle.

Click here to order the book!

NAVIGATING ADVERSITY is a great gift for your First Responder

Wellness has been defined in broad strokes for centuries - until now. This book clarifies a holistic perspective of what it means to be healthy while revealing common roadblocks to resilience and the resources needed to resist each one. Using personal stories and a diverse array of peer-reviewed behavioral, psychological, and organizational research, the authors present an evidence-based model for building physical, psychological, cognitive, emotional, financial, spiritual, social, and professional capital. This tactical approach to self-care is a lifelong resource that first responders can call upon so that when critical incidents occur, they are prepared to navigate adversity.

NAVIGATING ADVERSITY

THE SQUARE PEGS

Irving Wallace herein presents the stories of “some Americans who dared to be different” - crackpots, perhaps, all of them, but also exceedingly diverting people to meet, know, and watch as they pursue their peculiar activities. This picturesque and wacky crew is brilliantly dealt with in these nine chapters:

THE SQUARE PEGS

The Warden Watch

The Warden-Watch: The Annals of Myrtle and the Blood King, Book 1 is a great yarn by my friend Anthony Horvath. It's a tale that will engage you for hours, and tells of an alternative view of the universe we live in.

The COVID Quarantine Cantina

A collection of short stories written by seven award-winning authors during the first four months of the COVID-19 lockdown. Each author brings a unique perspective to the crisis, and the results are spectacular. There is science fiction, Christian apologetics, horror, drama, suspense, and a dose of comfort. Produced daily during the first 13 weeks of the lockdown, you can see the change in thinking, hopes, and frustration that the public was experiencing.

While written from a Christian world view, it's not preachy. In fact, it's far from traditional Christian fiction and brings a breath of fresh air to the flash-fiction world from accomplished authors. Also available in print and audio book, this was a labor of love for the authors and it shows through the carefully crafted stories.

Buy It Here!

Assault on Saint Agnes

You really need a copy of my award-winning debut novel, Assault on Saint Agnes.

Buy It Here!

Nicholas of Haiti is now available

Nick Bacon is a life interrupted. When his commercial airline flight explodes over Utah, killing everyone on board but Nick, his miraculous survival draws unwanted attention. The press can't get enough of his story while the FBI is convinced he planted the bomb that took down his plane. All he wants is a place to heal and time to let the world forget him. Unable to return home, Nick accepts an offer to join a missionary medical team and flees to Haiti.

But Nick’s new life in Haiti is haunted by visions. He's forced to examine his sanity and faith in a world of turmoil and chaos among a people he’s never met before. Aided by Andre, his Haitian translator and protector, Nick confronts the dark forces battling for his soul, and the soul of the abused little girl he’s only seen in his dreams.

Because in Haiti, there's more than just Nick's sanity at risk. The fate of the world may now depend on Nicholas of Haiti.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER

VERTICAL DIVE now available for listening

With his unrelenting suspense and explosive combat scenes, USA Today best-selling author Michael DiMercurio has redefined the modern submarine thriller. Now he returns with a new novel of the silent war on terror being waged under the sea...

During NATO exercises, the French Navy unveils the capabilities of Le Vigilant, a nuclear submarine so advanced that it can elude almost anything in the water. But France’s maritime marvel is about to become its own worst enemy. A band of Algerian terrorists has hijacked Le Vigilant. They mean to wipe Paris and every major French city off the face of the earth - and then turn their missiles against the great Satans of the United States and Russia.

Two subs are called into action: the USS Hampton, captained by veteran sub warrior Burke Dillinger, and the USS Texas, commanded by iron-willed Peter Vornado. Paris is being evacuated. Time is running out. And the coming conflict will pit the ultimate in technological weaponry against pure courage, skill, and determination...

Click here to get all three versions.

Terminal Run is great adventure listening!

One ship could revolutionize submarine warfare as we know it: the USS Snarc. A robotic combat sub carrying no crew, the Snarc has proven unbeatable in sea trials. And now it has fallen into the hands of an unseen enemy.

The Snarc's first casualty: the nuclear sub carrying the son of former admiral Michael Pacino. The only man who can match wits with the Snarc, Pacino reenters the game in a high-tech underwater battle unlike any that's been fought before, one that could engulf the world in war and bring him face-to-face with his nemesis....

Terminal Run is available here

Attack of the Seawolf

One of the classics of the genre, and the only book I'd ever read that killed off the ... well, you'll have to listen to find that out. Perfect for the fan of technothrillers. Written by a master, voiced by the author of this blog. First book of the series that I recorded for the author.

Attack of the Seawolf by Michael DiMercurio

Phoenix Sub Zero

High stakes in this undersea battle between the United States and Islamic United Forces. Second book in the series that I've recorded.

Phoenix Sub Zero Available Here

PIRANHA FIRING POINT

The East China Sea. Six Japanese submarines are attacked and believed destroyed. To the world, it seems like an accident. But to one man, former submarine commander Dick Donchez, it is the first act of war. He alone knows the truth: That the old guard of Red China has stolen the subs to wage a massive attack against the new Free China.

Audio Book Version Here

Barracuda Final Bearing

Barracuda is the fourth book in the series, and the third one I've recorded for Michael DiMercurio. It's action packed, and a good listen at about 13 hours! It stands alone, or fits nicely into the series. (But listen to them in order if you want the full effect.)

A volatile new state calling itself Greater Manchuria emerges out of the political and military strife of Asia. Thanks to the connections of its brash leader, it boasts an atomic arsenal. Japan, threatened by its proximity to nuclear disaster, shocks the world by launching a sophisticated preemptive strike against its new neighbor.

Barracuda Final Bearing

THREAT VECTOR is now available

Submarine commander Aiexi Novskoyy has been sprung from prison by a multibillion-dollar organization with a very special mission in mind. The company has designed a new submarine - the Vepr - which they will use to wreak havoc on international trade. To test its new weapon, Alexi must sink a cruise ship carrying the entire brass of the US Navy - effectively decapitating the American fleet.

The legendary USS Devilfish is called in to stop the catastrophe, only to be ambushed by the ultra-advanced Vepr. With the Devilfish down, the Navy sends Captain “Kelly” McKee and the newest sub in the US arsenal to hunt down and destroy the super sub. What they don’t realize is that Alexi has his own plans, which have him heading straight for the shores of America.

Click to order THREAT VECTOR

Emergency Deep – Featuring Michael DiMercurio

US Navy submarine commander Peter Vornado is at the top of his game in underwater warfare when a devastating illness takes him out of the service - and almost to the grave. Without duty, honor, or something to fight for, his life is as good as over.

But the CIA needs a man like Vornado....

A terrorist cabal has acquired a scrapped Soviet sub from the Cold War - a technologically advanced failure still able to outrun any torpedo or enemy vessel and strike at will. With a nuclear payload, it will enable the terrorists to fire directly on Israel - and throw the world into chaos. All that remains is to modernize the sub with the latest technology.

Only one man can infiltrate the group, take the helm, and stop a holocaust - a man who has already stared down death, and is ready to do battle once more....

Click here to grab the author's favorite book!