Guest bedroom sheets.

Posted on by

I have discovered the perfect sheets for the guest bedroom.

Perhaps you are aware of the Bedouin tradition of accepting any visitor to their camp for three days?

The sheets were even black like the tent.

Even their enemies (assuming they don’t get nailed before asking for refuge.) I have been told by more than one Arab friend that I have the heart of an Arab. I took that as a compliment. And now I have the perfect solution for making sure that your guests don’t exceed that three day time limit and force your hand into asking them to leave. Polyester sheets.

A few weeks ago one of my favorite sets of bed linen announced that it was moving on to the promised land (becoming rags for cleaning my guns.) I immediately (well, after a week or so) went to Walmart and commenced my shopping trip in traditional male fashion: get it and get out.

Now the cheapskate in me popped to the surface and took control. Why would you buy the 80,000,000,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets for 6 bazillion dollars when you can get this really neat set of polyester ones that not only cost under $30, but they come in their own little stuff sack so the set doesn’t become a bunch of loners after you take it out of the dryer? As Eric Cartman says, “Cooh!”

And thus they went home with me. And into the washer. Three washings to get all the excess dye out of them. And a few days later onto the bed. Man, they looked all shiny and nifty. My twisted little brain thought, “This will be just like silk sheets! Sweet!” Not so much.

Night number one I darned near fell to my death when I sat on the edge of the bed and slid to the floor like an avalanche of mine tailings bursting their dam in a rain storm. By the third night I was tired of being cold from the chest up as the sheets inexorably slid toward the end of the bed. Polyester on polyester has no friction. However, if you turn over against the fabric’s grain it leaves you with a bit of a rug-burn.

After a week I had taken a new approach to the problem: I wasn’t going to let the sheets beat me. Sure, it stunk on ice not being able to sleep through the night between the rug-burn and the shivering but I was certainly tougher than a set of cheap sheets! After all, hadn’t I slept on a rubber mattress with no sheets at all in the transient barracks? Hadn’t I slept on countless marble floors waiting for aircraft in the Navy? And most of all, hadn’t I made it through last winter with the hockey rink banging away across the street?

Yes to all of the above. And no to toughing it out. The sheets are in the dryer right now after being carefully laundered. I’m going to hold a contest among the subscribers to the blog. Subscribe to the blog in the next ten days. In two weeks I will have a post asking for you to send a comment, 50 words or less, as to why I should mail the sheets to you. Only subscribers will be eligible to win. I will take the most articulate (read: most trivial and mean spirited) comment and publish it on the blog. Include your address when the time comes so that I can mail these things to you.

I’m back to cotton sheets. And, if you’re the lucky winner, you will have a set of lovely, queen sized, polyester sheets guaranteed to rid you of the most dedicated house guest in three days or less. I’ll include a recipe for Kufta so you can feed any Bedouins that want to try the sheets.

The ad with the bears and the toilet paper.

Posted on by

Am I the only one deeply disturbed by the latest bear ad for Charmin?

Not only is mom looking for skid marks in junior’s shorts at the range of about 6 inches, but dad evidently has issues as well.

Combine this with the implication, since she’s doing wash and looking for skid marks, that they have appeared naked in every ad? Did you ever see any of them wearing clothing at any point in the series? Do they engage in family nudity? Their hygiene is awful. ON more than one occasion they have toilet paper cling-ons!

I’m not sure that’s a great message to send to people.

Well, wanted to get this blog back on the high road after the political stuff lately. I think I’ve lowered the bar sufficiently. After all, what did you expect from a blog with “bear humor” as a category?

Well, no invites to the White House this year either.

Posted on by

Guess I’ll go to bed. Nuts, I always wondered what the White House Christmas tree smelled like. Guess I won’t know for at least 4 more years.

This blog will return to it’s usual format in just a few short hours.

Just a note about election day first: It really stinks to wake up with a raging case of the flu when you’re a political junkie who lives for this stuff. I spent most of the day alternately shivering and sweating with bouts of random nausea. And that was before I turned on the television. I hope to kick this puppy in the next few hours. I’m so sick that I didn’t even have coffee today. Alert the authorities!

Thanks for dropping by.

Before all the bad behavior begins…(updated 05:51 Central)

Posted on by

**Update** there are rumors floating about the internet regarding voter suppression efforts. The thrust is that one candidate’s campaign will announce victory early today so that the other’s campaign throws in the towel and voters in the later voting areas don’t bother. I encourage you to ignore the media and cast your vote. The polls are too close for any votes to “go missing” due to this kind of thing. Get out and vote. It’s that important. It’s that simple. Do your duty, America! **End of update**

This post is timed to go up one minute before the people in Dixville Notch, NH cast their votes.

One of the great beauties of our system is that we have peaceful transition of government. Many places in this world are not blessed in this manner. Today I encourage you to cast your vote and then don’t be a horses – behind if your side loses. That goes for me as well.

Don’t hate your neighbors, don’t spike the ball if you win, don’t whine for the next four years (unless there is fraud and then take to the streets and legislatures to work to prevent it the next time out.)

Remember that your mom is still your mom, your brother is your brother and that guy you sit next to at work every day is still the same guy. You might consider their politics misguided but they are still your friend.

Just don’t go into Wednesday kicking yourself for not voting. No vote, no complain.

And vote your conscience. Mine is hinged on one word this time around – Benghazi. Pick your point on the moral compass and steer by it accordingly.

And God Bless the United States of America.

(And for the rest of you political junkies out there, lay in a supply of chips, dips, and Cokes because it could be a long night. I’ll be on the couch watching closely.)