I had “one of those days” a few weeks ago. By the time I was safely hidden away from all of the stupid people I could feel the fillings in my teeth melting from the pressure of me clenching my jaw.

Yes, there were multiple contestants in the local derby for the dumbest/most maladjusted twit contest. Let me run them down for you.

1. This aging relic of Woodstock was spotted raking his front lawn on a lovely spring morning. He’d rounded up all the grass clippings, leaves, broken twigs, pine needles, trash, plastic bags, and assorted flotsam from the winter and ushered it into a big pile on the curb. Instead of bagging it up or taking it to be mulched our hero was pushing it down into the storm sewer. Thanks. That ought to break down in a couple of decades with no adverse impact on the sewer system.

2. Moron #2 was doing the exact same thing as moron #1 except he was burning it in a pit in his back yard. No chance the authorities would spot that column of acrid smoke rising into the sky. I wonder how his neighbors felt about the smog that covered approximately 3 city blocks. We quit burning trash in this area in about 1968. I’m fairly sure it wasn’t a recreational burn.

3. Doofus #3 was spotted leaving the Midway Cub Foods at approximately 1945. He and his equally squalid partner in crime exited the store, pulled their shopping bags out of the cart as they were walking along and left it in the driveway of the store. The cart then rolled away and missed a parked car by inches. I complimented him on his skill set as I parked my car. Wisdom produced the proper response in him and he got in his car and drove away without a word. He’s probably wondering who the angry biker dude was and why I would say anything about his God given right to abandon his cart in the middle of the row. Best part is that he was parked two slots away from the cart storage corral.

It is at this moment when I confess that I certainly don’t always embody Christ’s love for men. I’m hard pressed when I see this sort of thing to come up with Hannibal Lecter’s love for his fellow man. Does anyone have a nice chianti?

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